During an elementary school trip to a museum, a passionate sculptor discovers a young man destined to become the Great One. Also, two beautiful weddings prove the power of love in this beautiful continuation of Hurricanrana Season. Read the chapter here.
Recorded in Washington, DC with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Cody Skinner (Washington, DC / @CodySkinnerFan), and Donnie Sengstack (Washington, DC / @donsengstack).
Links and Notes:
- Chapter 1: The first appearance of the Rock
- Chapter 3: The only appearance of Obama
- Film: The Chaperone
Book 1 / Chapter 10
By Alyssa Cowan, Donnie Sengstack, and Cody Skinner
The Rock has an art gallery where it’s paintings of himself and he says, “I wish some sculptor would layeth the chiseleth down.”
The Rock hires a sculptor to make a sculpture of The Rock, but instead he just dies. The Rock is one who dies. His death is really tragic, we’re gonna delve into this.
There were a bunch of orphans, and they were so sick, and the not the way that bros are, but in the way that sick people are…and The Rock was going to donate all his his blood to them, but all of his blood fell out…like change out of a pocket OF BARACK OBAMA. Now the sculptor is like, “Who am I going to chisel now?” says the sculptor.
Donnie is in the art gallery with his elementary class. Not the kindergarten class, an elementary school class. Donnie is an old soul. The sculptor sees in his eyes that Donnie is an old soul, and he sees in his speech that he has a similar speech pattern to The Rock, and nothing else in common. The sculptor is the Iron Sheik out of character, “When I’m not the Sheik, I’m just a normal sculptor. All I have passion for is offensive arab caricatures and sculpting. Little boy, you The Rock, now!!”
A parent who is supervising the field trip is super distraught. How are they going to tell the principle that one of their finest was allowed to become the new Rock? I can’t believe I took a day off work to chaperone this, Donnie’s not even my kid. My kid is just some dork, the parent thinks. The Iron Sheik takes the wrestling tights off The Rock’s dead, bloodless body, and hands them to Donnie coldly, with no pageantry… “Here, wear these.”
The chaperone still looks uncomfortable. The chaperone is Triple H from the movie The Chaperone.
By the way, hashtag marriage is illegal in this world. You can’t use hashtags in your wedding, you dicks. Just saying.
Donnie is putting on The Rock’s blood covered tights. They’re baggy, because he’s a sweet little boy and he pulls them up over his nipples. He’s putting them on over his normal clothes. He has on a Thomas the Tank Engine shirt, and now that’s bloody. The Iron Sheik takes one look at him and says, “I’m going to sculpt the shit out of you, BOY!!”
The Iron Sheik had just finished making a sculpture of Jim Johnston for his incredible work with the Mr. Ass theme.
In this world instead of wedding kisses, there are wedding fucks in front of your family. Jim Johnston is getting married to Julie Johnston of the women’s soccer team. It’s great that nobody has to change their last name. It’s very empowered, it’s also weird that sweet baby boy Donnie is the officiant, wearing The Rock’s bloody tights. At this point the chaperone is fully in and no longer uncomfortable.
“I’ve already abandoned my son at the art gallery, I’m totally into this wedding. Who doesn’t want to see an old man fuck a female athlete in her prime? Creeps. #onenantiononetime, team*” and then he gets arrested because hashtags at weddings are illegal. The chaperone’s child has to grow up without a dad now, because he’s in jail for this crazy law, that all Rand Pauls and libertarians are trying to fight. Libertarians love hashtags. #smallgovernment. Chris Hardwick is tired of all the libertarians and their hashtags. Find out more on tonight’s episode of “Talking Hashtags” starring Chris Hardwick and Seth Rollins.
The wedding starts, and Donnie says, “Do you smell what the love is cooking?” because Donnie is the second coming of The Rock…still wearing his bloody tights, but now he has a bow tie on. The tights are tights because it’s breathable. They’re not weird. Nobody is saying anything, because the tights aren’t weird. If you think the tights are weird, that’s your problem, because you’re weird, buddy.
Jim and Julia Johnston exchange vows which are as follows:
“I promise to watch Monday Night Raw with you every night, even not on Mondays. On those days we’ll watch reruns that are available on the WWE Network for only $9.99.”
Everyone in the crowd says “$9.99” along with them like in churches where you yell shit with the priest. The rest of the vows are normal and boring and shit. Then sweet little officiant boy, efficient boy Donnie says, “By the power vested in me by the Ultimate Warrior and The Rock (because I have all the Rock’s powers and abilities), I pronounce you equal partners in the eyes of God and the state of New Hampshire and Vince McMahon. You may now, fffffffffffffind inner peace… WITH YOUR DICKS!! (All caps.)”
He can’t figure out why dicks is plural, but because he’s just a little boy, everyone just is super understanding about that and they just let it roll. They know what he meant. The Rock transferred all of his powers except for the knowledge of power.
Dean Ambrose walks in and says, “This is a lot of blood, and those people are fucking hard.”
Everyone is doing Bud Light Lime shots, and everyone is talking about how good they gave it to each other…the fucking. The sloppiness of the kiss was not overwhelming, but the sloppiness of that sexin’ was!
Jim Johnston is immortal. He looks like a skeleton wearing a grey wig and wearing a button down. His adam’s apple looks like an adam’s apple is punching through his throat.
Little Donnie asks, “Can you sing, ‘I’m an ass man?’”
Jim says, “As you can tell from the wedding, I am, and I will.”
Little Donnie says, “Gee thanks, Mr!”
Who better to welcome an undying man, and a beautiful young female athlete than a sweet little boy covered in blood?
Donnie gives the People’s Eyebrow and the crowd goes fucking nuts!! “AAAAAAHHHH!!! aaaahhhh!!!! electrifying!!” the crowd says. The atmosphere is electric.
Suddenly the Dead UnderTaker storms the room! He says, “Jim Johnston! I want to be alive again! Give me some of that life!”
Jim Johnston: “No!”
Dead UnderTaker: “Please? I’m just a sweet little UnderTaker, pleeeeese?”
Julie Johnston is outraged that anyone would try to take some of and her sweet husband’s life, and soccer kicks the Dead UnderTaker in the face! I don’t think I need to tell you that the UnderTaker is even deader now.”
Everyone at at the wedding shouts “Double Bud Light Lime!”
Even little sweet Donnie says, “I’m soo drunk for just a little boy priest!”
Sweet little boy Donnie becomes an alcoholic at 10, it’s not sad, just really fun right now. It’s a powerful statement to end on. Ya’lls havin’ fun? Sweet little boy Donnie doesn’t have a stutter, and if he did you don’t need to type it out, yo.
All three Shield members are getting married, and sweet little Donnie is their officiant, it’s hella private. This ceremony is hella private, don’t tell anyone. And don’t you dare hashtag it, we won’t pay your hashtag bail. I don’t want to see #houndsoflove. I don’t want to see #bromance. I said no hashtags, it’s illegal. Against the law! They get married and give each other triple blowjobs, while Donnie watches. It’s really nice.
To be continued…