[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 11: Man McVince

The second coming of the Rock, deemed “Kid Rock,” must train to face his hardest enemy yet, and some helpful friends from an alternate universe are there to help him learn to harness his power. Also, the Shield goes on their long-awaited honeymoon. 

Recorded in Asheville, NC (during our downtime from the Laugh Your Asheville Off Festival) with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Dash Kwiatkowski (San Francisco, CA / You’re a Wizard, ________: iTunes), and Eric DaSilva (New York, NY / EricDaSilva.com / Adorably Offensive: iTunes)

Also, super end time alternate universe cameos from Emma Arnold (Boise, ID / @iamaroadtrip / emmaarnoldcomedy.com) and Marty Archibald (Salt Lake City, UT / He says just Google him). Check those folks out, too, they’re great!

Links and Notes:

Book 1 / Chapter 11

By Alyssa Cowan, Dash Kwiatkowski, and Eric DaSilva

Super, duper Dead UnderTaker close up… Moderately dead Paul Bearer ushers the corpse away, and a voice from the shadows says, “Do you have everything you need?” Paul Bearer was never great on the mic so he just nods creepily. Out from the shadows comes the Billion Dollar Man, he’s now worth a billions dollars due to tech investments….

“Good, then phase one is complete.”

Paul Bearer just nods again. A bird that dips into water is nearby nodding as well.

“We’re going to need a new heel,” says Man McVince, the alternate universe Vince McMahon. In this world, all the heels are faces and all the faces are heels. Also, Hulk Hogan isn’t a racist in this one, but Stone Cold is a homophobe. His name is Hot Rock, not to be confused with the Rock, who’s dead, but was pretty hot. “Hot” is a temperature not a judgment on his appearance.

The Rock is reincarnated as a 10-year-old boy. He’s approached by Stung and Abel (alternate Sting and Kane), they tell him that the universe is in great peril. No amount of drinking problems is going to solve this.

“You’ll have to fight your villains and ours, and maybe a few trannies, and we’ve come here to train you.”

They start to train him in the ways of the OverGiver, and the Ultimate Pessimist. This is in our world…they’re just the alternate dudes visiting 10-year-old Rock boy.

Man McVince is trying to take over every wrestling company in the multiverse… It’s like that movie “The One.” He just watched “The One,” and just loved it so much. He’s going from universe to universe taking over wrestling companies. He’s trying to turn ECW, WWE, and TNA to make WWWEENCAT.

Jimmy Superfly Snuka Blowout is an ancient warrior guy, after he saw that murder in the dance contest he’s no longer denying this destiny, and he’s not seeking out kid rock.

Meanwhile on the planet where King Kai lives, the gravity is 100 times earth’s gravity, the forest ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage has a pensive moment, and he says, “YEAH BROTHER, I’M NEEDED ON EARTH, OOOOOOOH YEAH.”

The billionaire man needs the body of Mr. Perfect, and alternate world guy Mr. Flawed for phase 2 of the plan.

The forest ghost of Macho Man find Jimmy Superfly Snuka Blowout and tries to convince him to follow his destiny and find Kid Rock and he says, “No one is perfect, man. You gotta imbrace your destiny, Hulk Hogan says that he has the biggest arms in the world, but you know these arms ain’t no chopped liver. You know man, the world is a beach and we’re all pebbles in the sand. Sometimes you gotta just grab the bull by the horns and shake ’em. Miss Elizabeth is at home. We’re all stars in the night sky, beating like a drum.” Macho man is very high.

Jimmy is totally roused and aroused by this speech. In the alternate universe Triple H is just Single H, because for some reason 1 is the opposite of 3, and math doesn’t make sense.

Back to Jimmy…he now has to find Kid Rock.

“Be on the lookout for Stung and Abel, two of the finest warriors,” says Macho Man ghost, “I suggest you slap into a Slim Jim. I’ll be behind you the whole way.” Macho Man is like the Ooga Booga mask from Crash Bandicoot. You can get one too if you find the box to smash.

Kid rock is with Stung and Abel. They’re still training, and Jimmy is looking for them…

Zombie John Cena is still holding the BusherTaker remains, and he decided to meet with alternate John Cena… Carlos Mencena. They’re also hunting for Kid Rock.

Stung and Abel are teaching Kid Rock to focus his chi. If he can focus his chakra enough he can summon the Rock…the epic parts. His finishing move is way greater than the Peoples’ Elbow… It’s “the Spirit of the Peoples’ Elbow,” and he needs to borrow the life force of every living thing on the planet to strike. The move takes 3 episodes to charge up, and then he misses….also, everyone ages 5 years during each episode….only when he’s borrowing the life force.

The Cenas find Kid Rock first. The Cena theme is playing, and Carlos Mencena’s rapping is actually really good, he took it from better rappers. Dooo dooo doo doo. Every time a wrestler enters a scene their entrance music plays.

Starwipe to the Shield on their honeymoon… They start in Vegas for the party, and then go to Aspen for the end of the trip. They loved the Blue Man group, especially getting to wrestle them, it was a true delight. A true, blue delight. They sent everyone pictures, it will be their Christmas card, and then everyone is like, “I already got this, and you posted it on Instagram, but seriously, you guys are a beautiful triple.”

They’re in a hot tub, after a long day of making triple snowmen. They’re pooped. Roman says, “Do you think fans will ever like me?”

Seth Rollins says, “I think they’ll love you, but first you have to learn to love yourself.” and then he gently nudges him, requesting a blow jay, a bleej, if you will. Dean is nodding, smiling, and Instagramming. The picture was later removed because of Instagram’s community standards, but it got a bunch of fays while it was up.

To be continued…