[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 1: Y U DID DAT?

In Chapter 1 of our FanFiction, we set the stage with the untimely breakup of Paul Heyman and Curtis Axel, and the UnderTaker and Paige are having marital issues.

With Alyssa Cowan (@alyssapants / Washington, DC), Norm Quarrinton (@NormanQ / Washington, DC), and Leon Scott (@ListenToLeon / Washington, DC).


Book 1 / Chapter 1

By Alyssa Cowan, Norm Quarrinton, and Leon Scott

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… It was Wrestlemania 20-40… The UnderTaker is dead now, but he’s still wrestling once a year, and he’s 20 and 40. 20 defeats. He lost 18 matches to Zack Ryder, one to Brock Lesnar, and one to David Arquette for the WCW title.

“Sigh, life is hard for the Dead UnderTaker,” he said. “I can’t believe the only consistent streak I have now is on Seth Rollins, the new host of the Daily Show.”

He’s in Death Valley, by the way. The UnderTaker was fying an egg on the roof of his car. He was recently fired from building tables for the Dudleys. Paige is getting sunburnt as shit. She’s married to the UnderTaker now, but Shaemus is so jelly. He’s chillin’ in a nearby bush.

“Hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I sure would like to get my hands on that egg, and also that woman. Yowza!” thought Shaemus, “Let’s make transparent babies and stuff.” By the way, he’s hiding, he’s doesn’t want to be the 21 in 40. The 1 in the 21 in the 40 of the UnderTaker. *although the first loss didn’t count ever since they found out that Brock Lesnar is a BearSharkTopus, hence the name, “The Beast.”

Brock Lesnar, the bearsharktopus, swim majestically nearby. The UnderTaker’s pet is fuckin’ cool. It’s Brock Lesnar: BearsharktoBrock! Eat, sleep, swim around, repeat. Brock was lifting heavy shit. He has an anvil tied to his tail, and he’s swimming to find Shaemus.

“Shaemus, where the fuck are you?” said Paul Heyman for his client Brock Lesnar. Then Paul Heyman has a mild orgasm. All of a sudden Paul Heyman’s cell phone rings. It’s Curtis Axel.

“I’m still mad,” said Curtis, “in general.” A break up slow jam is playing in the background. “Y u did dat?” axed Curtis Axel.

“You know how phones work, right?” responded Paul angrily, with fervor.

“You know what I’m talking about,” said Curtis, “the thing.” Curtis is in his ring gear with a sick t-shirt on, like a cool ass baby.

“This could have been us. If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me. Baby turn around and let me see that sexy body.”

“My client, BearsharktoBrock says that you are a garbage person, and fuck you! Forever! Because guns! Your plex will never be perfect! Please stop calling.”

Then Curtis Axel sheds a single tear, for his love is gone. ☹️

The Raven walks in and puts a hand on Curtis Axel’s shoulder, “Quote the Raven, nevermore. Let it go, buddy. Just let it go.”

Paul Heyman hangs up.

At this point Shaemus has started jacking it, and his Irish eye, his Celtic warrior, glistens in the sun. His pubes are a rumbleweed, I mean tumbleweed in the Sun. Then the Bushwackers come and wack his bush. Congrats on being in the WWE Hall of Fame before other deserving tag teams, like the British Bulldogs.

Paige and the UnderTaker are having marriage issues, and they’re thinking about seeing a therapist, but the UnderTaker is worried that people will realize he’s actually dead! Psyche! He’s just worried that people will realize he’s a pedophile, but not really a pedophile, just married to someone 40 years younger than him.

Raven is a side bitch, btw, if you were wondering.

“I would walk the streets homeless with those shoulder pads and spikes,” said Curtis Axel in sadness.

Meanwhile, the Rock smashes a painting of himself over the head of Vin Diesel. Also, Stone Cold throws Vin Diesal’s awards into the river. Wait does he have awards?

MTV award for be scowl, that’s what Vin Diesel has.

Also, Paige and the UnderTaker’s therapist is a wrestler, too. It’s jobber #12 (the Brooklyn Brawler).