[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 3: Triple H, Henry Hector Havarti

In Chapter 3 of our fanfiction, Triple H introduces a tournament for all the wrestlers, while the UnderTaker continues to struggle with marriage issues. A complicated love triangle (or square?) causes problems for the MichaelTaker. Is it too late for him to be saved?

With Alyssa Cowan (alyssapants.com / @alyssapants / Washington, DC), Noah Crowley (@nonocrowley / Springfield, VA), and Cliff Gallagher (Facebook / Washington, DC).

Book 1 / Chapter 3

By Alyssa Cowan, Noah Crowley, and Cliff Gallagher

Triple H shows up. Business guy Triple H, Henry Hector Havarti, and he introduces a letter, but it’s got ink that you need to pour lemon juice on it to read it…to be able to see it. (Please reference the deleted Bourne Identity scene for reference. Like spies, right?)

“Get your shit together, people!” says Triple H, “This story needs form.”

Vince McMahon is the letter writer, and he says, “Whoever wins this tournament gets one wish granted. Love Vince XOXO Gossip Girl, ooops wasn’t supposed to reveal that.”

Triple H says, “Inciting incident, bitches!”

The Dead Undertaker is Katniss, and the MichaelTaker is Peeta (metaphor). Don’t worry, they don’t kiss yet…on the mouth. Don’t worry, Dead UnderTaker has good abs. The Dead UnderTaker has marriage problems with Paige, because he’s also seeing the MichaelTaker. This is like that movie…Imitation Game. There’s a code: enigma code (read a history book! Vince McMahon is a nazi, a secret nazi).

“Cliff has great abs. Yep.” – Barack Obama. He said that.

There’s only Thunderlips, and he’s the Australian prime minister, right? Australia is a penal colony again. In the future “penal” doesn’t mean jail system, it means “a place where everybody walks around with their dicks out.” …and Triple H says, “this sounds really rapey guys, please stop.” Everyone said, “Alright.” Smart. It’s normal, not creepy. Triple H is like Tobey McGuire, Nick Carraway in the Great Gatsby: he’s like a reliable narrator. Triple H is in Australia. He’s telling everyone about the tournament, and also getting a dick tan, which is a popular tourist activity in the future.

The Bushwackers work for Thunderlips, so Thunderlips enters the Bushwakers into the tournament. Yeah. Yes.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney sort of had a sexual thing going on with the MichaelTaker, but now the MichaelTaker is sort of seeing the Dead UnderTaker. Dick is mad! Mad horny! What does Dick do when Dick’s mad? Ironic poetry.

“N’ermore quoth the raven/no new stops/no new stops/no new stops/ no no no,” but he’s ironically woops. Btw, it’s been Raven from “That’s So Raven” not Raven the wrestler. Dick Cheney is talking about all the rich stuff he has: “Jets. Important friends. Nice watches. Good cheese. Charcuterie. I should have said that earlier.” Dick Cheney puts charcuterie over his body and asks raven to eat it off. Don’t worry, he’s got great abs. He’s had lots of 8 minutes to do abs. They’re all muscle. Dick Cheney said he was using a rubber and he wasn’t, and surprise! He lied. He wasn’t fucking yet, but he was standing there yelling that he was using a rubber. She new he was lying because she could see his dick, for she has eyes. Triple H poked his head in the door and said, “Hey that’s the second rapey thing you’ve come up with.” Is this the end of the love scene? Then Dick Cheney fell asleep.

MichaelTaker burst into the room, urgently proclaiming, “Hey, we got a letter from Vince!” Raven Simone sprang up, eyes barriwubg ib tgem ib the MichaelTaker.

“Was that supposed to be ;eyes narrowing on the Michaeltaker,’ genius?” HHH enquired.

Raven sprang at the MichaelTaker with birdlike reflexes, straining to hoist him over her head before sending him plummeting through a window, sending MichaelTaker plummeting like Icarus descending from the sky. Raven grabbed up the letter and darted for the door, escaping into the night. Cheney sprang up from his slumber, fearfully wakened by MichaelTaker’s anguished cry as he fell, before being sharply silenced. Dick ran out the door and rushed to his fallen comrade’s side, taking him in his arms. Gently caressing MichaelTaker’s cheeks (of the face), Dick Cheney solemnly vowed “I will find whoever did this and make them pay for their transgressions.”

Hundred of miles away in the midst of another fruitless attempt of making the spark that had once lighted his marriage, a sense of melancholy overtook him. A single tear rolled down his cheek, staining the sheets below him.

“I said you don’t have a rubber on,” Paige repeated trepidatiously, disappointed, but unsurprised at the outcome of another attempt at recreating a marital bliss that had never existed in the first place. The Undertaker brushed passed Paige, whispering “Something terrible has happened.”

SMASHCUT TO: A Hospital. “beep, beep, beep, beep.” That’s the sound of a heart machine, and not the Harvard Beeps, Harvard’s most prestigious and well received a cappella beep team.

Shaemus quietly kicked the door down, entering in the quietest way possible for him. Shaemus looked on, through furrowed brows, at MichaelTaker’s body, cut and bruised from his fall. MicahelTaker was unresponsive, still alive, but unable to rise to greet his partner.

“We were partners, and I know you weren’t there for me, but I’m here for you now. I will do whatever I can to make this right,” intoned Shaemus.

“Man, this MichaelTaker thing is really pushing the story forward and creating a lot of character development,” smirked HHH.

In an adjacent wing of the hospital, Stone Cold was visiting a cancer ward. A child proudly presented the Texas Rattlesnake with a medal the hospital had given him for his bravery in fighting his almost certainly terminal cancer. Stone Cold took the medal in his hand, carefully inspecting and considering it, before walking to the river and THROWING THAT SHIT IN THE RIVER.

‘To far dude, too far,” HHH said, shaking his head.

And scene. To be continued……………… (never the end)