A new monster is wreaking havoc on Washington, DC, and Neville tries to assemble a rag tag team of heroes to safe the city, in part one of this exciting story!
Find out if Neville’s team was able to defeat the Bushertaker at the FedEx Field Counting Crows concert in this action-packed conclusion to Hurricanrana Season Z!
Recorded in Washington, DC with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Natalie McGill (Washington, DC / @NatalieSMcGill / Instagram: hoothollersnap), and Nate Johnson (Washington, DC / @StandUpNate / The Summer Camp Show).
Book 1 / Chapter 9
By Alyssa Cowan, Natalie McGill, and Nate Johnson
The Dead ‘taker has been lurking around some of these incidents. For example, when the Bushwackers were blown up, he had a big zip lock back bag, and he picked up their giblets and leavings. He uses the things as hats and stuff. He’s got their giblets, and he mopped up the sweat, and blood, and Miller Lite, and hair follicles from the elimination chamber match, and he retreated to his lair in a nearby swamp. A.K.A. Washington, DC. It’s on K street, the building is boring, but the rent is cheap. It’s in a basement bar.
He got a gigantic vat of rubber cement, and he laid out the leftover biological leavings with the rubber cement, and he pours it into a person mold. Then during one of DC’s infamous lightning storms, he set up a lightning rod at the top of the Washington Monument, and it attaches to his lair via those tin cans and strings you used to talk into as a kid.
KABOOM! A huge lightning strike hits the rod and pulsed down through it into the Dead Undertaker’s hidden lair and directly into the mold! But oh golly! It’s too MUCH ELECTRICITY! Everybody there gets melted by electrical energy, and it oozes into the person mold. There are lab assistants there. With a lkjffukhffuelhrlj BLJDOIFJDFMDHSLSUMUAAAAAAHHH!! The mold explodes! And there’s an 8 legged, 5 armed wrestler called The BUSHERTAKER! Now the soul of the Undertaker is so strong it’s possessing his bones. UnderTaker is transparent, you can see a flame burning through his fleshing things.
The Bushertaker has the power of the fresh lightning. He smacks the Dead ‘Taker away, and rips through the ceiling of the K Street bar, and he’s wreaking havoc on Chinatown! That weird Chinese arch? BROKEN. Verizon Center? BURNING. There is no signal there. The irony is not lost on the Bushertaker.
The Army and the Air Force are called out, and they’re shooting at him. He (the Bushertaker) throws a tank and it breaks the National Cathedral. But then they’re dropping napalm on him. The town is fucked. Then the Dead ‘Taker flies out of the earth and yells, “YOU FOOL!” He flies to the Bushertaker.
Smash cut to: Jessica Shenanigans, and freshly recovered Neville hold hands. She’s his sobriety counselor and his lover. It’s very codependent. He’s given up the drink for her sweet ambrosia (not to be confused with Dean Ambrose, a different character).
They’re walking next to a picturesque scene, “I’m so glad everything is working out perfectly for us, Jessica,” says Neville, “We’ve come to the end of our travails.”
Then a tank flies over their heads.
“That looks like it came from chinatown,” shouts Jessica using her geographic skills and knowledge.
Neville turns and says, “Oh Shenanigans. There you go Shenan again-ing.”
Neville goes to his shitty apartment in Fairfax, it’s not metro accessible. He drove his Toyota Celica there. He’s hoping for an upgrade; this is the best he can do. He’ll never get blue book value for that POS.
Cut to: a montage of Neville. He’s texting, and g-chatting, and emailing, and phone talking, and what’s apping, and tweetmaking, and Snapchatting, swiping right on Tinder with superheroes. He sends out the message, “Meet at Olive Garden, but leave your dance shoes at home. When we meet there we’ll be friends, but not family.”
Sheemus is on shift, that’s why they picked Olive Garden, they can definitely get a table. Cut to Olive Garden: there’s a long table, it’s just Shenanigans and Neville.
“OH NO, nobody wants to come here and help save the city.” Big crocodile tears drop into the salads adding to the oil in the dressing. The breadsticks are tear soggy, nobody wants to eat them…but they’re unlimited so they do anyway. They get a spoon and eat the breadsticks like bread pudding. But then when things look their darkest… Michaeltaker, Baby Chick , and Val Venis are having dinner there. Baby chick looks conflicted over the Chicken Orzo pasta dish in front of him, “Why does cannibalism have to be so delicious?” They notice Neville and Jessica alone at this big table. They say, “What’s wrong, was the party cancelled?” They laugh and high five.
Neville says, “No, it’s a crisis! Did you hear what happened in Chinatown? There was big trouble…in little Chinatown.”
Michaeltaker says, “Forget it, Neville, it was Chinatown.”
And then out of the shadows…Sheemus is off her shift.
“Trouble?” she asks as she pockets her shitty wages. “I’m up for a little trouble.” She brushes her red hair from her eyes. The kindergarten class shows up, and they’re like, “We’re here to help.” Then one of the kindergartners pisses herself. Val Venis says, “except you,” and points to the pee stained child.
Neville looks at this ragtag bunch and says, “This will have to do. Our enemy is the Bushertaker.” The peeing child pees herself again.
“I had three gatorades!” shouts the pee stained child. Side note: it was purple flavored, it has a lightning bolt on the package, but not the type to strike the Washington Monument.
Michaeltaker asks, “How many of you are actually potty trained?” Half the class raises their hands. “Come with me, the rest of you, stay and hang out with the baby chick.”
They develop a battle plan…which is to win the fight.
“That’s quite a battle plan,” opines Neville. Then they all pile into Nevelle’s Toyota Celica. They’re cramped.
“We should have taken an Uber x,” says Val.
“you only say that because you drive for them,” says Michaeltaker.
Smashcut to: FedEx Field where the Counting Crows are playing. It’s one of their mild hits “RROOOUUND HERE, EVERYONE IS HAPPY BUT ME!” The crowd is regretting going to the concert, they realized they’re sad enough without the Counting Crows. Then the goal posts start to shake, they’re still set up during the concert for some reason. They achieve this resonance, and the bolt of energy forms between the two goal posts and a huge ball of energy is formed! The ball grows and grows and with a “KYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” The Bushertaker launches out, and he’s got the Dead Taker riding him like a horse. And behind them the dancing ghosts pop out and they wreak havoc on the counting crows “fans”: a lot of depressed Gen-xers who can’t run fast, and some of them are like, “this is better than the concert.”
…to be continued.
Smashcut to: a Toyota Celica furiously driving up the beltway with dust behind it…and Neville is in his Celica behind that one, stuck in the dust cloud.
“Two Celica’s in one place, who knew?” says Sheemus. “I didn’t know you could put spoilers on Celicas.”
Jessica Shenanigans says, “I’m glad they did, because that back end was close to coming off the ground. That’s a win for safety.” She high fives Val Venis, a huge safety fan. This car is so safe they call it Tom Celica. We follow the dual Celicas approaching FedEx Field. They drive up as people are fleeing, some have missing appendages, some are missing their ears after they pulled them off during the show. They drive straight into the stadium, while the first Celica looks for a parking spot.
“It’s like a huge traffic circle with five ways to get out,” screams the driver of the first Celica, Thunderlips, the Australian Prime Minister. The first Celica drives into a parking space eventually.
The second Celica drives into the stadium and then they count… 3, 2, 1, and everyone jumps out of the Celica and it’s hurling toward the Bushertaker, and the Bushertaker is busy: he’s got two Counting Crows in his hands and he’s smashing them together!
“Stop smashing me, brbrbrbrbr!”
The celica is going top speed…87 miles an hour. It’s shaking and parts are falling off as it goes, and hits the Bushertaker in the rump. Val Venis yells, “I love what you do for me, Toyota!” The Bushertaker is such a gangly beast that the car just bounces off his rump, BUT the Dead Taker is thrown into the stands.
The Bushertaker turns around and is like “mmrrrrrrrrgggghhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!” and the ghosts let go of the Counting Crows fans and they assemble behind the Bushertaker, but at that moment the kindergartners who were strolling in from their parking spot in lot D6 approach and they challenge the ghosts with their show and tell skills. The ghosts and the kindergartners are grappling over show and tell skills. The ghosts say, “You have that every day, that’s your shoe and that teddy bear doesn’t count.”
The Bushertaker raises all five of his fists and slams them on the ground! A shockwave ripples through the astroturf, which was already terrible because it’s FedEx field. It knocks down Thunderlips, and the Valveeta guy, and Jessica Shenanigans, but Neville (because he’s wearing his cape) can fly. He floats and the shockwave doesn’t affect him. He floats toward the Bushertaker and smacks him! Backhanded smack!!! Neville somehow sprouts metal protective coating over his arms and legs. He’s got the technology, but his skills suck so he’s waving his arms, windmilling all over the place. The Bushertaker isn’t very bright, and he keeps getting hit. The blood from the Bushertaker is starting to rust out the metal on Neville’s arms and the metal falls off. Then he backhands the Neville, and yells, “that was for before!”
The Bushertaker runs over to where Neville has fallen, and pins him, and he kicks him in the groin with one of his any legs. Neville is like “haaaarrah!” Neville grabs one of his legs and twists it, and then thinks, “Oh shit I have seven more of these to go!”
The Bushertaker stomps on Neville’s chest, and Neville’s mouth opens, and the Bushertaker starts vomiting in Neville’s mouth, and Neville isn’t sober anymore. Jessica is nearby screaming, “N0000000000000! He was gonna get his 20 week chip!” But just at that moment Sheemus shows up and sneaks behind the Bushertaker, and rips off his two hind legs and starts hitting the Bushertaker with his own legs. Thunderlips, Jessica Shenanigans, and Val Venis come up. The Bushertaker is like, “MY LEGS!” They all rip off appendages from the Bushertaker and just start wailing on him with them. The Bushertaker feels like the beating is too much, and starts to melt back into the goop he was before. At that moment, Neville is like, “Hey, I see a chunk of the Bushwackers in there.” The dead ‘taker rises from the stands, “YOU FOOLS! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! You have only slowed down the DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD! But now I WILL START WITH YOU!”
Everyone still at the concert is glad they stayed for this show.
So Sheemus pulls out her guitar and strums it, and it show sends an shockwave of awesomeness and it’s a direct beam to the Undertaker (dead). The Undertaker (dead) is like “Raaaaaa my one weakness… Awesome rock!!” So the Counting Crows get up and say, “Well if awesome rock works, well let’s give it a try.” They play some song. Someone yells from the bar, “You’re only making it worse!” The undertaker (dead) says, “Your whiney 90s rock is only making me stronger!”
Jessica walks up with chloroform and knocks out the Counting Crows. Then Val Venis is like, “Do you just carry that around with you?” She responds, “It’s good for shenanigans.” “Nice,” says Val Venis. His towel falls down.
The Dead Taker is in a state of flux. Empowered by whininess and weakened by awesomeness.
“When I summon my ultimate weapon it will be the end of human wrestlers!” shouts Dead Taker, with energy balls in both hands, but at that moment a voice crys out, “N00000!” The half of the kindergarten class that wet their pants are standing at the top of FedEx Field. They start peeing on the Undertaker. The acid melts away the little amount of flesh that he had. He’s like, “Grraaaa, my one weakness! The innocent urine of children!” Now he’s defeated, and he’s hella dead undertaker.
The band of heroes…The ghosts fade out of existence: “Our souls can rest now.” And they become air pollution…a.k.a. Counting Crows music. The band of heroes walk into the sunset, and said, “It was a hard battle, but we won.”
“I’m going to have to get a new Toyota Celica,” says Neville and Thunderlips at the same time, and then they high five. Neville is clearly drunk, and Jessica says, “Oh no, we have to start over from zero.”
“Can we start wednesday? It’s Taco Tuesday and it’s $5 margarita night.”
Back at FedEx Field there’s smoldering ashes, goop, and left over tap dancing shoes, and a teddy bear, and out from the rubble, zombie John Cena (who the Dead Taker woke from the dead). He collects the Dead Takers body and gathers the goop and stores it in the Dead Taker after he cuts him open like a frog in a high school science class. He says, “The master, the master will rise.” He has a zombie Toyota Celica, that you can surprisingly get for the blue book price. He grabs the Counting Crows and stacks them in the back seat, and then he’s like, “The master, the master will be stronger than ever.”
Then he turns the key of the Toyota Celica and it’s like, rrrrrrirjrldlrrrr.
To be continued…