Elimination Chamber is finally here, and the late match is an epic battle for honor between James Cordon, a baby chick, the duo of MichaelTaker and Val Venis, Neville, Rachel D, and the Kool-Aid man like you’ve never seen him before. Find out who prevails!
Recorded in Washington, DC with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Kevin Seefried (Washington, DC / @kseefried), and Norm Quarrinton (Washington, DC / @normanq)
References:
- Chapter 4 – the episode where the MichaelTaker becomes the MichaelTaker
- Chapter 6 – the episode where cancer is cured.
Book 1 / Chapter 8
By Alyssa Cowan, Kevin Seefried, and Norm Quarrinton
The elimination chamber is an incubator, and it’s BYOJ: bring your own jaundice. One of the pods has a chick being watched by a kindergarten class. They’re at the late show of Elimination Chamber. James Cordon is in one of the pods. Val Venis and MichatelTaker are in a pod, they’re a duo. James Cordon is the new “JC” meaning Jesus, and messiah. People lost faith in the late night formula and he brought them back.
The Kool-Aid man filled with Miller Lite is in another chamber pod. He falls down a lot. He’s spilling a lot of Miller Lite. The pod is drenched in Miller Lite. The match is sponsored by Budweiser though, and Vince McMahon has a huge headache, he can’t quite comprehend what’s happening.
Neville is in a pod, he calls it a hanger. Neville is half jet, not like a West Side Story Jet, but more like Starscream from Transformers. Neville’s dad is Starscream, before he became a Decepticon he was a bouncer in Newcastle, England. He had a one night stand with some jordie girl, and that was Neville’s mother.
Rachel Dolezal is in the last pod. Her stable is called, “Impressive People Who’ve Done Good Things for Race Relations.” She wasn’t born a wrestler, but she identifies as one. Goldust is in that group. Rachel Brought a ton of jaundice. Mischa Barton is ringside. She’s the teacher of the kindergarten class, and secretly the mother of two of the kids in the class, but nobody knows. The father is the baby chick. The Gobbledy Gooker is the chick’s child.
Ringside is Austin Romine, catcher for the New York Yankees, just him. His defense is overrated. And then James Cordon gets thrown through the fence out of the ring and Austin can’t catch him. And James turns to Austin and says, “You couldn’t catch me?” Cordon is rocking heavy stigmata. We don’t know who threw James Cordon, it was probably society’s expectations. ☹️
The bell rings. James had to hustle to get back into the ring. He’s in his pod again. Austin is only there because they thought they were booking Stone Cold Steve Austin, but they got the name wrong. You’d think after so many years, they would remember his name. Vince had such a headache he didn’t order the right Austin. Stone Cold has crappy nosebleed seats, and he’s really mad…and throwing beers at the Kool-Aid guy, who is filled with beers.
Cordon starts because his pod broke, and they felt bad for his pod. Also it’s sweeps week, so he has his broom, and he’s ready to break it over someone’s head (that’s British for “rumble”). The MichaelTaker and Val Venis start to try to eat James Cordon.
“There’s plenty of him to go around,” screams Val!
“Hey don’t fat shame me, Venis!” shouts cordon.
Meanwhile, seven articles are written on Jezebel.com. “Did Val Venis go too far in the elimination chamber match with the small chick? (not the term for “girl” an actual baby chick, obviously, we’re Jezebel)” A Jezebel editor walks in.
“This title is too long!”
Smash cut back to the chamber: Val Venis and Michaeltaker are disappointed that James doesn’t have all of his hands. 5 4 3 2 1, the baby chick is released. The crowd cheers like crazy! We got JC in the ring, and Val Venis and Michaeltaker. Instead of pinning, they’re still trying to eat James Cordon. They’ve gotten through his shoe, but that’s it. Michaeltaker tries to eat the baby chick.
Val Venis says, “Hey c’mon man. We don’t animals, only humans. uuuhgh duuuuhh.”
Meanwhile the kindergarten class has aged prematurely, EMOTIONALLY.
“Little Cynthia has a few grey hairs,” says Mischa Barton, “She didn’t have that when we arrived. Boy, this wrestling is stressful. If only there was another place where I could show the class a baby chick, but Vince McMahon has a monopoly on chicks.” Val Venis and Michaltaker say, “we need to be a positive example.” They leave holding each of the chick’s hands, and they leave to talk about being better, and their feelings.
A mostly eaten James Cordon sits in the ring, waiting for the next opponent. Neville is in a stable with wrestlers who now only have last names, because Vince McMahon took their first names. He takes them and gives them to himself; his name is Vince Adrian Alexander Antonio Kennedy McMahon, Gossip Girl, Esquire. Gallagher the comedian is Vince McMahon too, and he’s also Liam and Noel Gallagher from Oasis.
Neville struggles with alcohol, so the Kool-Aid man is metaphorical and not.
Rachel Dolezal falls into the Kool-Aid Man’s head and it washes all of the country’s preconceived notions about race…and then she drowns. That lady drowns. Bummmmmmmmaaaaaahhh.
Neville was going to drink the beer, but then he saw that the beer had a thumb in it, and another thumb, and 8 fingers, and a whole body, and all of society’s preconceived notions about race, and he said, “Yuck, you have cured my alcoholism!”
Rachel Dolezal was born as just a pack of nicotine gum… A “progress” chant starts. The kindergartners, bitter racists, leave in anger. You can look it up, it’s on Wikipedia.
Neville is ready to take this match and fucking win it. There’s no way he’s losing this match. The Kool-Aid Man lets Neville pin him, and he just lays down. Neville is grateful. “You helped me bury my shame, cool kool man,” said Neville, “Rachel Dolezal was my shame. Now let’s take her outside and bury her…and with her, racial tension in America.”
Neville and Kool-Aid guy are still burying her outside….in the desert, in death valley where the Dead Undertaker and Paige live. (They were fighting in the MGM Grand, btw, it was in Zach Galifianakis’ brain in the Hangover, this whole match was a deleted scene from the Hangover.)
When Paige killed Raven she gained her powers of clairvoyance (“futuresee” is what we’d say, that’s what James Cordon calls it.) and because she has those powers, she was expecting Kool-Aid man and Neville with the body of Rachel D.
“Hey Neville,” says Paige, “IT’S ME, YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND PAIGE!!”
The kindergarten class gasps. Mischa Barton says, “You guys need to know how to bury a body,” to the class. After they bury the body, Neville says, “I’m sorry things didn’t work out…FOR RACHEL! Boom! Glad we ain’t togetha! We always disagreed about late night TV watching, I’m a James Cordon guy, myself.”
Paige says, “Seth Meyers is my life.”
Neville says, “Agree to disagree, this is why we split up in the first place.”
Smashcut to: “Thank you, Paige and Neville for watching other late night shows,” says Jimmy Fallon doing a thank you notes segment. “And thank you for watching.”
Smashcut to: Rachel Dolezal’s eyes open and she says, “Guys, I think I’m Latina.” to be continued… el fin?