[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 4: The Walter Matthewow Bunion Crawl

In Chapter 4 of our fanfiction, we go back in time to the dance tournament at an underground Olive Garden that changed the MichaelTaker and UnderTaker forever. Find out who prevails at the contest, as John Cena and Shaq release their new album.

With Alyssa Cowan (alyssapants.com / @alyssapants / Washington, DC), Ahmed Vallejos, and Jamel Johnson (jameljohnson.com / broccolihouse – Instagram / Washington, DC).

Book 1 / Chapter 4

By Alyssa Cowan, Ahmed Vallejos, and Jamel Johnson

Jimmy Superfly Snuka is in a dark basement. Yeah. You see a bunch of people breaking, and Jimmy Superfly Snuka has an afro mullet, he got a blowout. It looks good. Jimmy Superly Blowout. This is the past.

Vince McMahon’s tournament is a dance battle, not wrestling. Held in the past, btw. Vince stops Snooka from DJ’ing and a boxing mic comes down, “The following tournament is scheduled for dope beats, and THAT’S BEATZ WITH A Z! UNLIMITED ROUNDS! JUST LIKE OUR BREADSTICKS! BECAUSE WHEN YOU’RE HERE, YOU’RE FAMILY.” Vince is brandishing a handgun, upstairs is a Foot Locker, but he just wants everyone to know that’s he’s in charge. He’s for real. He is for real.

Jimmy Superfly Snuka Blowout says, “He’s for real.” Also, he’s a really good sex move, gotta cum from the top right.

“Welcome to the Chris Benoit Memorial Dance Off!” yells vince, “And just like Benoit you have to hang tough to win.”

Everyone has time machines. Done. Who’s the dumbest person you know? Yeah, even HE has a time machine. Or she, lotta dumb bitches, right guys? AMIRIGHT?!

“CAN YOU DIG IT?” yells McMahon. The crowd goes mild.

We all just realized that this is a prequel. You’re not alone.

The MichaelTaker, woops he’s not the MichaelTaker yet. He’s a young starry eyed kid. Michael’s parents are the dance team in the finals, and the other team is the Undertaker’s dance team the Groovy Ghoulies: the Dancing Druids. Val Venis is on the Undertaker’s dance team, only in a towel.

The finals are about to begin, and you know what? The Undertaker has no faith in his team.

“Is 2 vats of murder, good enough to keep?” asks the Undertaker to val venis. (He’s about to murder the Under..no Michael’s parents.) Then the Undertaker dips Michael’s parents into the vats of murder, and he pulls them out and they’re skeletons. Young Michael and Val Venis are like, “Ahhhhh sssshhhiiiiit! We’re scared of skeletons, also my parents are dead.” They’re brothers, secret siblings. Similar hair when Mike has the curl. Undertaker is like, “I’m going to win now, your team is babies.”

Val Venis turns against the Undertaker, “YOU, FUCK YOU MAN.”

How come nobody stopped the Undertaker from killing that guys parents? The Olive Gardin employees were busy singing the birthday song, that’s why they couldn’t stop him. (The dance tournament was sponsored by Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re a McMahon Helmsly,” says Triple H.)

The “Friend Like Me” remix is the song of the tournament. Also Teddy Riley and Serena Williams, they’re in the song, too.

Meanwhile, this is also the release party of John Cena and Shaq’s rap album. They’re judging the dance tournament along with the Legion of Doom, and Helena Bonham Carter.

“I tuck my sweatpants into my shoes like I ride a bicycle,” said Vince McMahon. “2 Black Rappers” is the name of John Cena and Shaq’s album. Undertaker is going to win, because the other team is just dumb, fucking babies now, and they can’t dance against Undertaker’s four classically trained ghosts. Those ghosts went to Juilliard, 8 times!

The ghosts are going crazy to the Aladdin remix that’s playing. “Remix to Aladdin…” Mike is about to cry, but Val Venis is strong for both of them. The ghost routine ends, and everyone goes crazy.


Vince McMahon says, “this shit is pretty much done.”

What’s the other name of the dance team? “The Two Brand New Orphans.” Don’t worry, murder was never against the rules, naw, it’s implied, guys. It’s like in fighting games when people use guns: nobody said you couldn’t do it. Also, “the Fighties” are the awards for best fight, keep this in mind.

*moment of silence* Then Phil Collins’ one more night starts to play. “One more night! One more night!” Don’t worry, he’s singing it passionately. Just the song, not Phil Collins * *except for him being in all of us.

Val Venis is pop locking furiously! Michael walks in to join him from the shadows, mascara running down his face, in lots of tears, all the tears he can muster, he can feel it in his skull, those tears. BONE TEARS. Now he’s pop locking, too. The crowd is like “Oh,” Stone cold is like, “Oh.” Approval is guaranteed…by the crowd. Michael starts breaking down, like he can’t go on, he starts walking off the dance floor. Undertaker says, “You’re a bitch, dawg!” Michael slides back on his head, he does a 360 spin and the Undertaker gets hit by the tears. Undertaker thinks it tastes like defeat! And the crowd is going wild “Orphans! Brand New Orphans! Orphans!” The crowd is chanting.

Undertaker has the sweat on his mouth. Val Venis gets on Michael’s shoulders, and Vince McMahon’s like, “They’re not going to go for it! The morve of lore?!” Then they do it, the move. Vince McMahon is like, “The move! THE WALTER MATTHEWOW BUNION CRAWL!” One person is the bunion and one is the crawl, but they’re both Walter Matthou, that’s how the move works. The crowd was like, “Ooooooooooooo” and the ghosts were like, “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”

“God damn, yo, those babies won,” said Vince. “Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fuck!”

Then Michael megaman’s him, and takes his powers, now Undertaker is Dead Undertaker and Michaeltaker is Michaeltaker. And the Val Venis says, “You went too far, bruh.”

“Lkkjflisdfhdsafhasdjfsdklafi, whatever,” said MichaelTaker.

Smash to the future: he snaps out of his coma, MichaelTaker and is like, “Auuuh!”

“Damn, I probably owe Val Venis an apology,” said Michaeltaker.