In Chapter 6 of our fanfiction, Big Show and Shaq are on the way to film a blockbuster movie, when Bray Wyatt calls them with some frightening information about an evil demon. Will they save the rest of the earth from it? Find out! Also, a bonus steamy short story about the Shield.
With Alyssa Cowan (alyssapants.com / @alyssapants / Washington, DC), John Paul Rivera (@johnpalrivera / The New York Past / Boston, MA), Will Noonan (willnoonan.com / @willnoonan / Boston, MA), and Pat Barrett (@BatParrett / Boston, MA)
Book 1 / Chapter 6
By Alyssa Cowan, John Paul Rivera, Will Noonan, and Patrick Barrett
A McComa is when you get a lot of food at McDonalds, It’s Ronald McDonalds’ finishing move. BTW… The Big Show and Shaq are in a car together…could this be the MichaelTaker’s wish?
They’re in McComas…that’s a lot of mass in a car. It’s a centimeter off the ground. They’re on the way to film a hit new movie. It’s called the Navyman 5.
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“Shazam and the Big man.” The Big Man gets a call from Bray Wyatt.
“Well he’s the big mannn!!!! REALLY GODDAMN BIG FUCKING DUDE!! LOOK AT THE SZIE OF HIS FUCKIN’ SHOES!! WHERE DOES BUY THEM!!? THEY MUST BE MADE OUT OF ENTIRE BISON! THAT’S THE ONLY ANIMAL BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD THE FEET OF BIG SHOW AND SHAQ!”
They were just coming back from getting bison shoes. They may be WWE superstars, but they’re really divas. They have to have the bison shoes. Stone Cold is plugging bison shoes on his podcast: “The best thing to do is queue up some alpha brain, and buy some bison shoes! I’ve tried ox shoes, I’ve tried some buffalo shoes. They’re the same, but a little different.”
Bray Wyatt calls them on the telephone, he’s concerned that they’re hanging out with a genie. “Shazamm! Shaq!” But he comes later in the story… That was foreshadowing. That’s what we do in da biz, but Bray is concerned that he’s a genie, too.
Bray Wyatt says, “John Cena is a wish granting, child eating, kid stealing, bison shoe wearing…”
Then Bray Wyatt throws his bison shoe off his foot into the crowd, and he says, “He’s been lying to you, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. THERE ARE NO GENIES!”
He was in the ring. He put it on speakerphone. Also, he got a Nextel, that shits dope.
“Where you at?”
“At the bison shoe store. Where you at?”
“I’m at the bison shoe outlet.”
Before Bray Wyatt hangs up the phone, he says “John Cena may have been the demon that granted the wish of the Michaeltaker…or the power of the wish. Whenever John Cena grants the wish of a Make a Wish kid, he gets more powers, and it makes him main event status…”
Big Show turns to Shaq and says, “Big John Cena is a demon.”
Shaq says, “I know that. Uuuuuh, I follow Nikki Bella on Instagram, so therefore I follow both Bellas…or not in this universe.”
“Wait? We’re a different universe?”
Shaq says, “Wait a minute, what if we’re not even real?”
Big Show: “We’re real, Shaq. Look at this car. Look at these shoes. Feel that sunshine: we’re fucking ballers.”
Big Show reassures Shaq, that’s why they’re best friends. Ain’t nobody can understand being big like you guys. They both know what it’s like to be in a hotel bed that’s too small for them. Or on an airplane. They call it “No Space Jam.”
“I ain’t got no space here in here man.” *Rodney Dangerfield collar yank,* said shaq, but not the act part. He did that, I’m sure of it.
Now they gotta kill John Cena, right?
“YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOTTA DO,” Big Show says to Shaq.
“What about the movie?” says Shaq.
“The movie is instilling some stuff… We gotta kill John Cena,” Big Show says, and turns the car around. It’s an illegal u-turn. The cop looks, but doesn’t wanna take on those two. They’re on the way, tearing down the highway.
Shaq’s about the kids more than the album with John Cena…and the album is not selling that well… They decided to replicate the picture of John Lennon and Yoko Ono on the cover, and it didn’t appeal to wrestling fans that much. The wrestling fans are the people who buy more albums, yeah.
They’re at Sam Goody. There is no internet piracy in this world, only regular piracy. Seth Green gets enough work, he doesn’t have to be in this. His agent hast been bothering him to be in “Shazam and the Big Man.”
John Cena is a million years old. John Cena used to work in the gladiator pits holding babies, and stealing their souls.
Shaq says, “Pull over! Pull over, stop the car!” They’re in the desert back country.
Big show is like, “WHAT?!”
Shaq says, “CENA’S NEVER BEEN KILLED?”
“Correct.” He’s trying to make a point, Shaq is.
Shaq says, “He gets his power from kids with cancer, right?”
“So, if we wanna kill Cena. We have to kill cancer. If there’s no kids with cancer, Cena can’t get stronger.”
“We gotta kill cancer!” they say in unison. They jet off a desert compound. It cuts to Shaq and John Cena in lab coats with test tubes, and they’re nodding to each other and shaking their heads. Big show says, “I gotta breakthrough.” He pours a lime, radioactive green into a petri dish, and he says, “The answer has been sitting in front of us all along! On every pay per view, the cure for cancer is DIET MOUNTAIN DEW.” Then Shaq goes, “Shazam.”
Cut to montage of little kids hooked up to IVs with Diet Mountain Dew, and then a newspaper that says “Cancer cured, no more sick kids, playgrounds overcrowded.”
Vince heard that they were gonna cure cancer, and Vince made it John Cena and Big Show, and not Shaq and Big Show like we all wanted. No, Shaq and John Cena….they were all there curing cancer, Vince, too.
Also they are high. John Cena was high and he cured cancer. Wait? John Cena realizes his mistake. He really didn’t see that coming. He’s very shortsighted. Classic John. Vintage john.
John Cena is now in a hospital bed. Every day he gets closer to death, and every day his shorts become closer to being pants. Vince McMahon comes to John Cena’s bedside and he says, “God damnit John Cena, you were the greatest hero this company has ever seen. If you have a wish that you want granted, I will give it to you.”
A mysterious figure appears at the door holding an Undertaker style urn. Vince gestures to the man.
“This is the man I had to hide from the world. Half canadian, half haitian, the lone survivor, my associate Raffiel Benoit. The illegitimate child of Chris Benoit.”
John Cena says, “Do I still have a wish?”
And then Benoit says, “No John, I have a wish.”
And then John Cena asks, “What is your wish, my son?”
“I want you to use the rest of your power to turn back time and make it so I was never born. I can’t stand to see my father edited out of WWE history,” says Raffiel.
John Cena says, “Go get cancer and we’ll talk.” His music plays and he dies. He went out not granting a wish.
They all had to stand in silence for 3 minutes as his theme song played, and then Brie Bella whispered to Nikki Bella, “My husband is still alive.”
Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins are waking up in bed together.
“YOUR ORGASM IS ooooOOoooooooOOOVER, DEAN. Fuck this, I’m gonna blow him anyway.”
Then the Benny Hill music plays. Then Roman Reigns comes out of the shower and says, “Hey what are you guys talking about?”
Then they take dick pix, and then the Rock comes in to help Roman.
“THAT’S A SOMOAN DICK. IT COMES FROM A GREAT LINE OF DICKS. It’s the most expensive girl scout cookie.”
We killed cancer, John Cena, and the typewriter.