[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 7: Mr. Dr. Curtis Axel, Esquire

Paige and Val Venis go to war against Raven Simone and her trusty steed, squire and lover, Mr. Dr. Curtis Axel, Esquire. Find out who prevails in this battle for honor and power. Also, the Shield boys are back for another short. 

Recorded in Reno, NV with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Amy Cowan (Reno, NV / @amyacowan), and Jym Bettencourt (Reno, NV / @Robotcomix)

  • Dean Ambrose’s Nope & Yep: link

Book 1 / Chapter 7

By Alyssa Cowan, Amy Cowan, and Jym Bettencourt

Paige frothed with rage.

“I will have my revenge,” she said waving her fist in the air defiantly! “The MichaelTaker will suffer for the wrongs he has committed.”

Paige had Val Venis in an armbar as she shouted.

“Hey, thank God I killed the Bushwackers!” shouted Paige.

“The Michaeltaker was framed! You don’t understand!” said the Val Venis. She switches submission holds.

Val Venis continued, “They said they’d kill me if the MichaelTaker didn’t kill the Undertaker!”

Paige strengthened her grip. “Who are they? Who is they?”

Val Venis replies,”This is bad improv, you’re supposed to not ask questions.”

“Yes, and it certainly is,” replied Paige. “Now who?”

“The person who framed the MichaelTaker,” Val Venis signed, “Was none other

Val Venis decided to be a morman. Val Venis transcends all religions.

“ALL DIFFERENT PATHS TO THE SAME THING,” Val Venis signed. If he signs things, Raven doesn’t know he says it. She can’t read sign language…and has no sympathy for the deaf.

“Wait, MichaelTaker wasn’t framed, he for reals did it, but he did it to save my life,” said Val Venis.

Paige says, “That’s okay, we all make mistakes.” Paige is supes chill. Now Val Venis and Paige are on a mission to kill Raven Simone.

Smash Cut to:
Raven Simone has a vision of Paige and Val Venis colluding to destroy her.

“Fetch me my gear,” she called to her squire, Curtis Axel. She jumped on his back. “YAH!” she cried as she whipped his ass.

“Anything, m’lady,” said curtis as he trotted through the palace gates. You know, just he palace. It’s fine.

“Oh Curtis, my squire, my trusty stead, you’re dope as fuck , and my you brought a lot of gear. You’re like Top Gear, but with more gear. It’s pretty great.”

“Your compliments are sweet kisses to my ears, m’lady.”

Then “Hey There Delilah” plays. Curtis grew another pair of arms, now he’s a four armed centaur. I don’t count legs as arms, so he’s got four lets legs and four arms. The amount of appendages of a spider, but he’s not scary looking as much, but sort of.

They trotted through the streets of Simonefell, that’s where she lives. The subjects under her dominion cowered with fear.

“You’re all cowering cowards! ” she cried, tears welling up in her eyes.

One woman stood up and proclaimed, “I am no coward, you are a tyrant!”

Raven Simone had to turn Curtis Axel around and run back, because she heard her but didn’t stop at fist and Curtis runs really fast. So, they flip a bitch, and are in front of the bitch that called her out.

“Speak they name, nave.”

“I am called no name.”

“For reals? No name?”

“Fine! My name is Applejack from My Little Pony. I have a baller name.”

Curtis Axel stomped his hooves, and clapped his names hands. He named all his hands. He named them after One Direction since they only have four members now. He used to have a hand called Zayn, and it fell off. He didn’t take care of it, and didn’t go to the doctor, so it quit his body. Bummer.

“Fuck off,” said Raven, “I don’t have time for children’s toys, I need to go find Paige.”

“Spoiler alert,” said Applejack. As Applejack watched Curtis Axel run away with Raven Simone on his back, just stomping and clapping, she vowed she would never let Raven Simone get away with the injustice and humiliation Applejack just endured. She would find Paige and Val Venis and warn them. She ran off.

Applejack is going in a secret underground pony shortcut that only pureblood ponies know about, so curtis axel is taking the long way… The pony way is only 30 feet shorter, but it was just enough time.

Applejack is going to meet up with Val Venis and Paige… Paige pointed to Applejack, “HARK, WHO GOES THERE?!”

The goblins are just those jobbers on NXT, if you see goblins that’s what they are here. Just in case. FYI.

Applejack: “I am here to warn you of Raven Simone of Simonefell, and her trusty 8 appendaged steed, centaur and lover, Mr. Curtis Axel, Esquire.”

Cloaks, there are a lot of cloaks around here. That’s not a derogatory term for people, it’s just the item of clothing. Mr. Dr. Curtis Axel, Esquire has a doctorate. Nobody believed that he had all the degrees at first, because he’s only a half blood magical pony.

Raven Simone appeared and brandished her scimitar in the air!

“I WILL NEVER LET YOU KILL ME, PAIGE AND VAL VENIS…like you killed my best friends, the Bushwackers, who were just learning to read.”

Paige unsheathed her daggers, and Val Venis revealed his ultimate weapon: his towel.

Applejack and Curtis Axel lunged at each other, and tumbled down the hill. Paige is there.

“I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE, APPLEBUTT,” Curtis said to Applejack a.k.a. Applebutt.

“My name is I am,” Applejack said and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed and stabbed.

Val Venis wrapped his towel around Raven Simone’s eyes so she can’t see shit…but it gave her future vision, because he used his greatest weapon to spare somebody he loved from something bad. I’m spitballing. Paige plunged her dagger deep into Raven Simone’s chest. Paige killed Raven Simone is what we’re trying to say. Raven Simone fell limp in Paige’s arms. Paige whispered, “This is for you, love. I did it for you, love. I’ve always done it for love.”

The Dead UnderTaker walks around a corner eating a sandwich. “Thanks!”
he yelled, “Beautiful Scene you got going here.”

The people of Simonefell dropped to their knees and worshipped Paige. Paige renamed the city “Paigeback live on the WWE network for only $9.99, but it’s free for the month of April for new subscribers…” or “Paigeback” for short. It’s like Rhode Island. Her new squire became Trish Stratus who is considered to be the millipede of centaurs, so many arms and legs you don’t know what’s a-stomping and what’s a-clappin’.

Meanwhile, Applejack got over her hatred of non-pureblood centaurs and fell in love, and married Curtis Axel. They had children named Sin Cara, Calisto, Rey Mysterio, Centaura 2, Rey Mysterio Junior, Chavo Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero Jr. Jr., Essa Rios, and Daniel Day Lewis.

Smash cut to a hotel room and Dean Ambrose lightly brushes Seth Rollin’s face.

“How much longer ’til you have to leave to tape the Daily Show?”

Seth Rollins said, “Are you sure you’re ready for this? Are you sure this is what you hoped for? All our desires culminating in one moment of furious passion.”

Dean Ambrose said, “YUP.”

Roman Reigns stepped in in just a towel. “Don’t forget about me,” he whispered.

Dean Ambrose said, “NOPE.”

And then sexy time began.
The end? Dean Ambrose said, “NOPE.”

*Jym has to switch to red ink. This is a liner note, please make it a footnote. Thanks.