[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 2: Happy Diwali, Val Venis

In Chapter 2 of our FanFiction, we follow Shaemus and his spy partner MichaelTaker as they handle the pressures of failing their mission because of the BushWackers. Meanwhile, Dead UnderTaker’s best friend Val Venis tries to cheer him up. 

With Alyssa Cowan (alyssapants.com / @alyssapants / Washington, DC), Pat Riley (Inside the Promo), and Michael Manning Ford (@mford81 / Washington, DC).

Book 1 / Chapter 2

By Alyssa Cowan, Michael Manning Ford, and Pat Riley

So Shaemus, ya’ll remember, was in a bush. Now he’s a spy. Nobody suspects the guy jacking off in a bush.

Dick Cheney and Shaemus are De-Bushing. “So?” asked the former Vice President, “Did you jack off like I asked to you to?”

Shaemus tells dick, “Yeah, I tried to, then the Bushwackers showed up. They jacked my bush AND my scheme.”

Smash cut to the Australian Prime Minister…the back of his head ONLY!! He’s talking to the Bushwackers. “Butch, did you jack the bush of the guy jacking in the bush, brother? Did you interrupt his 27 inch python session, like I asked you to? Did you grab each other’s heads and hit him like a battering ram? Did you like his face? Brother?”

“This is intense questioning,” Luke said to Butch.

“For reals.”

“So, maybe Hulk Hogan is brothers with Paul Hogan, Crocodile Dundee?” asked the MichaelTaker as he stormed into the White House of the US. That was a separate shot, btw.

Dick Cheney says, “I know that, you dummy. You people had one job, and the Bushwackers came and jacked off all your plans.”

“But where were you when I needed you, MichaelTaker?” asked Shaemus as he was in full tears. It’s so sad to see Shaemus cry, like every time the sun is out. Dick Puns, a valet, is literally a valet, and he is parking the MichaelTaker’s coffin mobile.

“Thanks Dick,” says MichaelTaker, “No tip, but still, dope ass parking.”

Meanwhile, the Dead UnderTaker and his best friend Val Venis are buying beer at 7am, and talking about the Dead UnderTaker’s marital problems.

Val Venis goes to the counter and says, “Hellooooo laaaaadies.”

“I’m an indian dude,” said the guy who owned the 7-Eleven.

“Well, you’re a very beautiful Indian man,” said Val Venis.

“You know, that was really kind. I wasn’t feeling great about myself today. Happy Dewali, Val Venis, to each and every one of you.” The camera pans away from the 7-Eleven and it’s snowing outside.

“Where’s my fuckin’ beer?!” screams the Dead UnderTaker.

“I need elves,” shouts back Val Venis at the Dead UnderTaker, “Where am I gonna get elves from? I htink I need Australian elves, specifically…you know who I’m thinking about.”

At the same time, the Dead UnderTaker and Val Venis screamed, “THE BUSHWACKERS!” Then the Dead UnderTaker grabbed a beer case and disappeared into a cloud of smoke. Also, “Kid Rock is missing, please help,” said a sign at the 7-Eleven. “No reward, sorry.”

Musical interlude: Somebody’s gonna feel this, duuuuudaaanananaaaaaadudnaananada duuuuunananananananaaasaadudududnadooooddooodoo I’m going platinum! No emo! The sign doesn’t know it yet, but Kid Rock is dead. He’s been dead for 10 yearsssss. (Alyssa’s dog, AJ, is in the musical interlude, keep this in mind for the movie version, please.)

“No. Yes. Wait, hold on, Dick Cheney,” said the MichaelTaker, “Maybe Dick Cheney… Maybe Val Venis, we need him. He’s got binders full of women. Right. Right. Paige is in the binder full of women. If we breed her with a chicken, we could recreate Giant Gonzalez, do you remember that fucker? El Giganted. Do you remember the big turkey thing? They want to breed Paige’s egg with a chicken egg, then you create the GobbledyGooker, then when the GobbledyGooker goes out at night to play around the parameters, he’ll bring about the resurrection of the one man who can destroy the Dead UnderTaker and Australia. The man’s name…That man’s name is…” (The sun goes down.) “……………………………………………. Giant Gonzalez.”

Hey, did you guys know that Bob Newhart has been body slammed SO HARD?” said the MichaelTaker.

“I feel like you’re not focused on your mission, MichaelTaker,” said Dick Cheney, “You’ve just been watching Nick at Nite.”

“Agreed,” said Shaemus, “…I want a new partner!”

“Well, it was a weird mission,” responded MichaelTaker. “Also, the more I drink, the younger you get, Dick Cheney.”

Dick Cheney is flattered…and aroused.

Stone Cold Steve Austin is at the Wake and Bacon Brunch Show. He throws Patricia Arquette’s Oscar into the Potomac. “Stone Cold is such a good side character,” says the MichaelTaker. “He just ruins brunches. He ruins ‘celebrities’ careers. hiyooooooooooooooooooooo.”

The MichaelTaker evolves as a character. Trust us……….

Where’s her pussy now, MichaelTaker? Wheres. Her. Pussy. Now?