[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #28

In this episode, you’ll hear a gift to a friend (Mike Smif / micsmif.wordpress.com), a postcard to some popular performers and a patriotic marketing plan. Also featuring Elizabeth Norman (@lizzynormal)!

Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.


Dear Mike,

How’re ya doing? I guess it’s a bit odd to put that question in a letter when I can probably just ask you about the next time I see you. 

I don’t say this to all my friends, but I really do want to see one of your plays someday. But I’m not going to do the whole “tell me when your next show is” thing. That’s a trap. You always tell them when your show is and immediately they’re like, “I can’t make that, when’s the next one?” And you’re standing there thinking, “If only there was a site on the web that you could Google to find when things are scheduled.” Not sure if that would work on coworkers though, I’m convinced that most don’t know either my first or last name and often confuse me for several other people who work in my office. 

Oh also, I know you were asking people to submit short plays to one of your theater groups. Sorry, I didn’t. It was a combo of “I forgot” and “AAHHHHHH I’VE NEVER WRITTEN A SHORT PLAY AHHHH!” I mean, I’ve written a few sketches, but that’s it. It might be too late to submit to your theater group, but I don’t think it’s too late to send you a short play. So, I wrote one based on your love of Goodwill and your blog, Crotch Fulla Jorts. 

Scene: Interior – a Goodwill. What Goodwill? I don’t know which one Mike goes to. If I had to take a guess I would say the one in Fells Point because it’s probably easier to get to. 

A guy and his little sister are shopping, because that’s what you do in a Goodwill. It’s a store. You shop.

BROCK: So wait, what happened between you and Aiden?

BETTY: Eh, I don’t know, it just wasn’t working out. He was cool, but he didn’t really wear jorts and he didn’t like mine either. 

BROCK: Uh, that’s annoying. It’s summer. Let those shins be free!

BETTY: Tell me about it.

BROCK: He totally sucks.

BETTY: Right? And that wasn’t even the worst part about him.

BROCK: Oh yeah? What was the worst?

An old woman slowly pushes a cart by. She’s killin’ it today, she found some great stuff, some of it she might resell at an antique store and make a profit on. Esther is on her game today! This info has been added to set the scene.

BETTY: The worst part about Aiden is that he thinks that jet fuel can melt steel beams.

BROCK: WHAAAAT? C’mon now, I thought Aiden was smart enough to know that Bush did it.

BETTY (close to tears): He did it with all his heart.

Esther cuts in holding a 2 dollar neck only turtleneck thing you put under shirts to keep your boobs from popping out at work. She’s waving it around as she gesticulates while speaking.

ESTHER: What do you expect from a reptilian?

BROCK: Ugh, yes.

BETTY: This lady is spot on.

BROCK: Yeah man, Aiden sucks.

BETTY: That’s the last time I’ll ever date a quote unquote “scientist” who consulted for quote unquote “Popular Mechanics” who went to quote unquote “grad school.” He was so stuck up. He acted as if my 8-week course in forrest fairy identification meant nothing.

BROCK: He’s a dick, little sis. And really? Popular Mechanics? What kind of magazine is that? I don’t give a fuck which mechanics are popular. Why is there even a magazine for that?

BETTY: Yeah, I mean sometimes it’s better to be alone, than be with someone who doesn’t want to know THE TRUTH. Anyway, I think these jorts would look great on you.

BROCK: You don’t think the bedazzling on the back pockets is too much?

BETTY: It’s the American Flag, Brock. Do you think America is too much?

BROCK: I guess not Betty, I guess not.

… And scene!

DID YOU LIKE IT? I mean you’re more than welcome to produce it, you have my full permission. If it’s too short, I can add in more, I didn’t even touch on the moon landing!

I really hope you enjoy that play and I hope you consider it a kind gift from me that you’ll never forget. And I hope you appreciate it, because I appreciate you. You’ve always been so kind to me, and I think you’re so funny and super cool to hang out with. I hope you keep doing your jorts blog too, because I enjoy your writing.

See you later, Jorty Spice!


A super special thanks to Dan Marse-Kapr, Danielle Marse-Kapr, and Elizabeth Norman for their beautiful acting in my play. I’m a proud director now!

Would you guys ever consider letting your performers wear jorts? I mean, jeans are blue, like you guys. I think it makes sense!

Dear Ford Motor Company,

I’m contacting you with an exciting marketing idea. Now I know your truck series is a huge seller in America, because really the only way to fight communism is with Ford trucks. It’s a fact. I read it on the website TrueAmericanFactsBaldEagle.Truth. Specifically on the page TrueAmericanFactsBaldEagle.Truth/trufacts.facts.true/flags. Trucks bring the real Americans. Nothing says real American like being able to carry a bale of hay in your car. Or, in my case during high school, being able to transport a drum set, but screaming and driving faster when you’re carrying that drum set in the back, on one of the 10 days it actually rains in Reno, Nevada.

I know that as a company you’re grateful to those who buy trucks, and you’re grateful to those who take the time out of their lives every year to celebrate truck month, the holiest of car related holidays. I think I have a great way to boost sales, and thank the faithful. My idea  is to give away a pair of jorts with every truck sold. You can always try it out during truck month, and expand it out to more months if you find it successful.

This is the perfect answer to all the folks out there who are in the market for buying trucks and saying, “BUT WHAT WILL I WEAR IN THIS TRUCK?” Well, businessman buying his first pickup truck, here’s a new pair of jorts and a Toby Keith cassette, welcome to AMERICA.

I think the only downside here is that it’s supposed to be “Truck Month, featuring Free Jorts,” but the popularity might turn it into “Jorts Month, featuring a Truck.” But even that might have a net positive effect, right? Can you imagine all those free shins across this beautiful nation? No more restricted lower legs, no more restricted souls.

I know this is a crazy good idea, and I promise that I’m ok with you using it. I am a marketing genius, but I want to give you this idea for free. I won’t take any royalties as the sales pour in from “Truck Month, featuring Free Jorts.” I don’t care about the money. All I care about is AMERICA.

Keep on truckin,


P.S. But if you DO want to give me money for my idea, please feel free to become a patron of my Ko-Fi page. You can find it at ko-fi.com/alyssapants. You can pledge as little as one dollar to as much as “too big to fail.” You can also pledge money if you just liked this letter!