In this mail bag you’ll hear a letter to an artist, a postcard asking for Hi Friends, in today’s mail bag, you’ll hear a letter to a true artisan, a postcard to a pickup artist, and letter for a research project.
Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.
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- Letter Talk is written and produced by me, and my sister Amy edits my writing. This episode features music from Kevin MacLeod.
It’s been awesome to meet and chat with you over the last few weeks! You seem like a super neat dude! Congrats on your first ever date. You’ll have to let me know if the arm sling made you more appealing to her or not. I tried to look up dating advice from dating experts and nothing came up, so I’m going to guess what they’d say:
Dating Expert 1: Don’t date with your arm in a sling! Who would have you?! Women must never know about weaknesses EVER! If you die of a heart attack it should be a surprise to your woman because she should never know that you’ve had a weak heart this whole time! Also, I’m the kind of person who says “your woman.”
Dating Expert 2: Keep the sling! Women love taking care of a man. It’s sexy. If anything, keep wearing the sling, even after your shoulder has healed because then you can attract more women in case your woman leaves. Also, I’m the kind of person who says “your woman.”
You’re the only person I know who is living this experience so I’m really interested to know which perspective is correct!
Oliver, I must tell you, your Instagram account with all your projects fuckin’ rules. Between your leatherworking, blacksmithing, and beekeeping, you have all the skills I wanted to have in World of Warcraft, except you have the skills in real life.
I also admire you because you know multiple languages, a skill I’ve wanted in World of Warcraft and real life. Despite years of classes, I can understand some Spanish and speak like a toddler, make out some of my mom’s conversations in her native language bicol, and read hiragana, but not know what the fuck the sounds mean all together. It’s real fun to see a Japanese sign and say, “Kissaten” to your friend, who is slightly impressed, and then asks, “What does that mean?” and you get to awkwardly ruin their feeling of amazement when you say, “Fuck, I don’t know. I can only read it.”
I saw that you made a wallet out of welding gloves, which is super tight. But now I’m worried that you’re at a welding machine right now without gloves on screaming, “SO HOT, OW, SO VERY VERY HOT, AHHH!” Let me know that your hands haven’t melted off, please! Or I will keep worrying about you. And now I’m worrying even more, because you can’t type into social media that you’re ok if your hands have melted off. Ugh, this perpetual worry must be what parenting feels like. But I guess it’s easier to feel perpetual worry instead of whatever the gloveless welder feels …
Anyway, I’m really excited to have met you, because you seem like a cool dude with a great sense of humor. Also you have excellent taste in webcomics. I hope your shoulder heals up right quick, and I’m sure I’ll talk to you again soon.
Is it ok for guys to wear arm slings when picking up women? I wasn’t sure if a fuzzy hat and an arm sling would be … you know, just too much. Asking for a friend! Keep it mysterious, dudebro.
Dear Vogue Magazine,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alyssa and I’m an amateur fashion librarian. I’m writing to you for a research project I’ve been working on. I’ve been thinking about JNCOs quite a bit for the last few years. It started when they came up in my mind and I thought, “Oh yeah, I remember those.” Since then, I have been trying to collect information about their use and their role in society.
I wanted to write to you all at Vogue, because I know the role your magazine has played in the fashion industry for many years. You have your thumb on the pulse of what the affluent class considers “high fashion,” and my most burning question for you is this: are there any rich people who wear JNCOs? I would have taken a poll on my social media, but I don’t think I have any connections to the uber-rich. So far in my quest for the answers, I’ve only had a few pictures of Michael Jordan referred to me.
Another thing I was wondering is whether JNCOs can be fashioned (pun intended) into any other useful items instead. Do you know if the denim is strong enough to work as welding gloves? I have a friend who may be in need of a new pair. I was actually thinking about taking an old pair and using to clothe a family of 5 or to make a new rain tarp for my car.
Also did you know that JNCO stands for “Judge None, Choose One”? It’s pretty wild, and I wouldn’t have expected the best dating advice I’ve ever heard to come from a pair of pants that boasts a 34 inch opening on each leg. I can imagine someone wearing JNCOs, dating several people and mumbling to themselves, “Why should I choose just one, when I can fit a boyfriend in either side of my pant legs?” If anything, this feature should make the pant more appealing with the opulent class, because what says “being rich” more than classic old American excess?
I’m sure this won’t be the only time I’ll be doing research on these wide-legged gems, so I’m really excited to see what your archives reveal. I was even thinking it may behoove me to reach out to an anthropologist to see if there is some sort of social-evolutionary reason why people have invested in these pants. Were they possibly derived from a nomadic tribe who needed clothing, but also used the legs as temporary shelter before they moved to a new area with their herd of goats? Something to think about.
I’ll let you know if I find anything, and I hope you’re all doing well.