In this week’s mail bag, we have a letter to my dad, a postcard asking for help, and a letter written by one of my friends.
Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.
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- Letter Talk is written and produced by me, and my sister Amy edits my writing. This episode features music from Kevin MacLeod.
I miss you so much, and I can’t believe it’s been three years since you kicked the bucket. That’s a weird phrase, isn’t it? I read some possible explanations for it and they don’t really make sense to me. I like to think the phrase came from some guy named Steve, who was really buff. Buffest guy you’ve ever seen, and one day he was hella upset because his beloved Green Bay Packers lost. In a fit of rage he went out to his yard and kicked the nearest bucket as hard as he could. What he didn’t know was that his brother Pauly filled the bucket with cement. It was a decorative bucket and Pauly was angry that it kept filling with rain water and attracting mosquitos. Steve kicked the bucket hard with his foot, but the cemented bucket didn’t move. The force of Steve’s buffness caused him to ricochet backwards, up into the air, and he fell down and died. So really the phrase is a euphemism for death, but also a cautionary tale directed to the Steves out there that the Packers are going to lose sometimes … that’s just statistics.
Anyway, Papa, I wanted to write to you because Amy told me that you two had a conversation about comic books when we were kids. She was starting to get into X-men, and you said, “Oh, I also read comics as a kid. I used to read Archie comics.” Amy and I reflected over how cute this was, given how different the comics were. I was probably the middle ground because when it came to American comics, I read Batman. Even the old ones. Batman isn’t that far from Archie when he’s fighting a normal dude in a zoot suit named “Johnny Witts” whose “power” is being “one step ahead of you, Batman.”
I wanted to write to you and let you know that the CW has made a live action Archie TV show, but they’re all sexy teens, even Jughead. Scratch that. ESPECIALLY Jughead. Also, there’s hella murders on the show now, too. There weren’t a lot of murders in the comics, right? I actually don’t know much about them, but I think it’s mostly Archie and the gang calling Jughead a dumb asshole after he falls down or something.
That was the biggest news I have for you for the time. I’m reading this on my podcast, too in case people don’t know about the sexy Archie show yet.
If you were still around, I would have shared this with you over a few Millers in the backyard. It killed me how much fun we had drinking beer there. We would just stand on the small brick patio. You’d have a cigarette in your hand, and we’d really have some “Hotbox the car and talk about life” type conversations. You always helped me keep my head on straight. You’d deflate my head if it got too big, too. And you’d build me up when I needed it. Without you life feels a bit like traveling in the dark without a compass. I’m getting by, but it feels a lot harder. Also, this weird analogy assumes that GPS isn’t a thing, so please bear with me.
Anyway, I love you and miss you very much. I hope you’re having fun, wherever you are.
Love, your favorite younger daughter,
Dear Gods of Bowling, I almost got a 300, but the bowling alley was haunted and a ghost put one of the pins back up in my last strike. Is there a way to correct this?
Dear Eldorado Hotel & Casino,
My name is Alyssa Cowan and I’m an amateur medium. Sometimes, I like to tell people that makes me a “Small.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. As a refresher, Webster’s Dictionary defines “medium” as “an individual held to be a channel of communication between the earthly world and a world of spirits. Fart fart butt drawing.” At this point I must advise that my copy of Webster’s dictionary was borrowed from the library, so those last few words could be graffiti in the book and not part of the definition. I just included it all to be safe.
You’re probably wondering how I got ahold of your own stationery. Well, funny story that. So, I’m a medium who specializes in poltergeists, and they can move stuff. One of my wonderful ghost friends moved your hotel and casino stationery into my suitcase while I was staying there after celebrating my friend’s college graduation. Go Wolf Pack!
This poltergeist friend can move shit, but has trouble with computers. She keeps slamming shit. She can slide a desk across a room, but when she types she’s not dainty enough so she ends up just smashing the entire keyboard like the Incredible Hulk typing up a book report.
Since Mary the poltergeist can’t type, I promised to send her thoughts to you first hand.
I’m Mary the poltergeist, I prefer to not give my last name to protect my ghost privacy. I also deleted ghost Facebook because it became overwhelming.
I want you to know that I love haunting your fine establishment, El Dorado, or as we call it in English “The Dorado.” I particularly enjoy haunting the suites. Sometimes a rich person will turn on the premium cable options and leave it on all day. Hello, that’s free HBO for me!
I also want to compliment the convenient way your establishment connects to the Silver Legacy, thus making it easier to hang out in both places. That’s a common misconception about ghosts, just because we can float through walls doesn’t mean I want to go outside. Too hot out there! Haven’t you ever noticed that ghosts haunt more houses than parking lots and fields? Well that’s why, my friend. We like to be inside, too.
Also, I’ve been haunting your casino for a while. There’s a guy named Pete who uses “locals only” discounts, but he just moved to Portola, California and he comes in on his days off to visit his kids, but he’s not a local anymore he just hasn’t shown you his new ID. Also, Sandra who is in your players club stays at the hotel and takes the toilet paper rolls and just replaces them with shittier brand toilet paper she steals from work. Watch out for her!
I’ve wanted to post these comments on Ghost Yelp, but I realized that we still need a little more venture capital to start the app. Anyway, regards fellas!
Thanks for taking the time to read Mary’s thoughts. I’m sorry they’re a bit tattle-y, she did die from complications related to being a snitch. Very tragic, but she’s a great ghost, and I think she’s doing the right thing.
Keep up the good work!
Alyssa, and Mary the Poltergeist