[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #17

This week, I answer a call from a baseball team to investigate a story, send a postcard to a friend who will soon be leaving his job, and write to  an awesome new listener.

Read the letters after the jump!


Dear Colorado Rockies Baseball Club,

I’m writing to you because for some reason I keep getting email receipts for the purchases of someone named Tony from Pueblo, Colorado. I believe you may be sending these to me by mistake, but I figured that you may be wanting me to investigate these receipts, since as you know, I am an amateur investigative podcaster. Since these documents were sent my way, I want to give you a few of my thoughts.

I notice that Tony always buys two tickets. This may mean he has an accomplice, or he likes to sit in two seats at once, or he likes to buy an extra seat for his purse. All reasonable assumptions.

I can’t tell if the chosen seats are good spots, but it is interesting that he only wants to see baseball with this one particular view. Might there be another reason? Perhaps he has a well formed butt grove in the chair, OR he’s using the seats as a hiding spot. From what? I don’t know, but I would follow the clues and look.

I can see from these receipts that he still uses hotmail. I find two possible theories for this:

  • Theory 1: He is untrustworthy. I am naturally suspicious of people who still use Hotmail. I don’t even trust the name. “Gmail” makes sense to me. The “G” stands for good. It is very good mail. It also stands for Warren G, the man who invited gmail. I find that mail sent from a Hotmail account is mostly not hot, and therefore not to be trusted.
  • Theory 2: Tony from Pueblo is between the ages of 45 and 95, thus explaining why he still uses Hotmail.

I noticed on the receipts the differences between the prices of the seats. Given that these are the same spots, some of the those scheduled games must be true bummers. One might even believe that someone wouldn’t want to attend all these games, but Tony does. He’s spent a buttload of money to do so.

These are the most important facts I could glean from the documents you sent me. As an amateur investigative podcaster, I believe I could solve what Tony might be up to, but I will need more time and any other documents you may have about Tony. But for now, let me lay out the facts I have so far: guy named Tony, same seats every game, regardless of price or bummerness, age between 45 and 95.

In my cursory knowledge of the case, I believe that he may be intending to unleash a season long fart on the arena, with his two seats as the epicenter. I’ll let you know if I find out anything else. I hope you’ll do the same, as legal precedent shows that teamwork makes the dream work.

Yours Esquiringly,


The other side I wrote the following message:

Let it go, let it go! That’s my impression of you talking to your job. Congratz on your retirement! You’re like Tom from Myspace, retiring so young. I wish you many dope days of listening to Papa Roach. Make sure to hang out at those tight resorts, lighting up those sick roaches, know what I mean? Haha, Tight.

Hey Mercedez!

That’s an emo band! Ok wow, I’m really sorry about that. I bet you get that a lot. Actually, I bet you really don’t get that a lot. I haven’t thought about that band in more than 10 years.

Anyway, thanks for sending me an entry! Your note asked about how *MY* day was going. Oh the tables have turned! My day has been pretty great! When I went to the beer store I found out there’s such a thing as Miller High Life Light. It’s the little victories that really stack up.

Book recommendations, you say? First of all, I feel complimented that you’d ask! And it’s not just because I openly admit to looking like an idiot. The reality is that I like to read, I just do it very slowly. Like, when you listen to this podcast… imagine that’s a book. Yeah, it’s gonna take a while for a book.

Usually when someone says “book” near me, I immediately scream “Malcolm Gladwell!” but I will refrain from that today. I’ll suggest a fiction and a non-fiction. A fiction book that had me on the edge of my seat was The Valley of Amazement by Amy Tan. The book is about courtesans in China in the early 1900s. Reading about women who had no choice but to become prostitutes to survive made me feel dumb about grumbling that my apartment at the time was too small. I remember finishing it at 3am because I couldn’t stop reading. I showed up to work the next day looking hungover, like I had a long night of partying. Then I had to admit to my co-workers that I looked busted as hell and hungover because of riveting storytelling.

I guess for the non-fiction suggestion, I’m going to keep with the sex worker theme and suggest Candy Girl by Diablo Cody. It’s basically a memoir about her years as a stripper. It’s also just a genuinely funny book. If you ever get into magazines, New Philosopher is a lot of fun. If you’re into philosophy and a really clean pretty layout, it’s a true hoot. It’s basically a bunch of articles you discuss if you’re really into “hotboxing the car and talking about life.” Also, there are no advertisements, so it’s nice to read a publication and not have to worry that it thinks you need antidepressants, boner-fixing pills, or butt creams.

Haha, anyway that was a mouthful! Thanks for being a new listener! I consider myself a new listener too, since the show is still a little baby. But I feel like an old listener too because it took me a few years of thinking about doing this show before I got around to doing it. I’m a real go-getter! I’m really excited and thankful to have you as a listener. I remember when I was in high school, and all I wanted to do was be in an emo band. Then I’d go to a rock show and meet jerks and think, “Man, the worst part about being in an emo band would be knowing that jerks like what you do.” As you can probably guess, I never became an emo star. I became a humble podcast host, with folks who I’m honored to have listen.

From what I could tell on your Instagram and Tumblr, you seem like such a wonderful, fascinating human being. It looks like your students are lucky to have a thoughtful, empathetic teacher. If anything, if you decide to come back to the United States and teach here, you’d be a great addition. And while I don’t have kids of my own, I do have move through the world with people who have been affected by teachers, and I’m sure a thoughtful teacher or two would keep kids from turning into jerks at the Hey Mercedes concerts.

I hope you’re having a wonderful time out there. Again, ありがとう ございます.



P.S. I’ve really been enjoying getting to peek at your anime sketches. 頑張ってください