In this very special eggisode, we hear back from our friends at the Egg Board, and I write a letter to someone we can all relate to.
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- Letter Talk is written and produced by me, and my sister Amy edits my writing. This episode features music from Kevin MacLeod.
Read the letters after the jump!
Previous letter from Mail Bag #5:
Dearest Egg Nutrition Center,
Thank you for sending your quarterly newsletter to my work office. I hope you will not mind that I read the newsletter even though it was addressed to Ellen. I regret to inform you that Ellen is dead… Actually I don’t know that at all, but there’s definitely nobody in my office with that name. Or maybe there is, and you guys almost blew somebody’s witness protection cover. I’d ask around, but I’m the type of person to stir my coffee with a pen in order to avoid going to kitchen because people might be there who want to talk to me.
I noticed the note on the back that said some authors were compensated for their articles, and I wondered if that means I could write some articles for the newsletter. I’m not a qualified nutritionist, but I do eat a lot of eggs. I’m also not a journalist, which is weird because I actually have a journalism degree. I’m just a classic fan of eggs, especially since whatever was causing me to fart too much after eating eggs has decreased dramatically in the last few years. Maybe it was bread that was making me fart? I’m not sure. I may have to contact the Bread Nutrition Center for further information. I could probably write some nice haikus about eggs, or collect some people’s favorite opinions on eggs.
Did the Egg Nutrition Center get affected by Twitter changing their default avatar? It used to be an egg, which I’m sure was great buzzmarketing for actual eggs. Now when someone is going to shout slurs at you and call you mean names it’s a little outline of a person, which really is more accurate. I figure that all publicity is good publicity right? So, I wanted to ask.
Anyway, I read your entire newsletter on the can, because I’m trying to use social media less. Turns out before the days of social media, we still wasted time on the toilet, but instead we read magazines and newsletters.
There were a few articles in the newsletter about athletes, and I wanted to check in and make sure that I could eat eggs even if I’m not an athlete? I’ve been going on this whole time about eating eggs while not being super athletic. I figured it was probably fine because every time I went to buy eggs, nothing happened. If I wasn’t allowed to, I figured there would some sort of egg police who would slap the eggs out of my hand, thus dropping them to the ground and breaking all 12. It makes you wonder if it was a good call to create an egg police force if they’re not protecting the eggs, but actually harming them. Really makes you think.
Before I head out, what do you guys think about egging people’s houses? On one hand, it ruins precious eggs faster than an egg police patrol, but on the other hand you get really good at throwing things, thus making you a better athlete, which makes you eat more eggs. It’s really a tough call.
Thanks again for sending the newsletter.
Yours in Eggselence,
Wonderful to hear from you, and thank you for coming out of your shell to say hello. Being social is no yolk, that’s for sure, especially when you sound like a real chicken! (Please understand that here at the Egg Nutrition Center, being called a chicken is a compliment.) How wonderful to hear that you read and enjoyed our newsletter, we’re preening ourselves with pride. And you’re right, a published piece in that newsletter is surely a feather in any young writer’s cap. You’re welcome to submit pitches, but as you can imagine, with the chick lit industry booming, we get dozens every day. We might be the egg board, but we’re certainly never the egg bored. Sorting through submissions can be a real scramble, but when they’re good, our job is easy, or as we say, clucking to ourselves, over-easy!
To answer your question about Twitter, our feathers were not at all ruffled by the changes they made in their default avatar. The Twitter nest can be a little negative, as you mentioned, and our goal is for someone to see an egg and crack a smile, and also crack an egg, or two, or even three per person. Note that we said ‘person’, not athlete. That’s not to say athletes aren’t people, in fact they are simply a better version of ordinary people like yourself and that may well be because they eat so many eggs, so whatever choices you make, please don’t feel henpecked into not eating eggs, that’s the last thing the athletes and the hens would want.
The image you constructed of a force of egg police preventing people from eating eggs, and even smashing eggs on the ground, had us all in a flap. But then we remembered, Alyssa, that you can’t beat eggs. Actually, that’s not quite true. What we mean is you con beat them, obviously, for a number of delicious dishes, but you can’t beat them in terms of an all-natural source of high-quality protein and a number of other nutrients, all for just 70 calories per large egg. Hungry yet?! We’re not, because we already had an egg.
Now, in regards to your final question, about egging peoples’ houses? Sorry to pan your idea, but we would never poach it because it’s just not for us; we love eggs too much. If you need to strengthen your upper body, perhaps mimic a flightless bird at the next party you’re invited to. You’ll crack your friends up, and no albumin will be spilled.
We love eggs,
The Egg Board
P.S. You might want to talk to Big Beans about that wind problem
Dear American Egg Board,
I must say, your letter was truly eggceptional. It really made my day. I’ve been attempting to do comedy for longer than I care to admit, and this has to be one of my favorite moments. I have to concede that I got absolutely owned in your response letter in the finest way possible.
That being said, I wanted to send you a thank you card and a gift. The gift will come later since I had to have it– printed separately.
Spoiler Alert: It’s a mug that says “Egg Fan 4 Lyfe,” because I know you are but what am I? That’s right, another egg fan for life.
But since I know not being able to see the mug yet is a bummer, here’s a picture of early 2000s Chris Jericho.
I don’t have it confirmed, but 100% of the respondents of my informal poll believe that he eats eggs.
Do I smell a possible spokesperson?
Speaking of smells, I will absolutely follow up with the big bean lobby regarding farts — that’s an eggcellent idea!
It’s lovely to meet you! Thanks for being my very first letter request from someone I don’t know in real life. I scrolled on your page for a bit and I really enjoyed it. I got a kick out of some of your Twitter goofs, and I enjoy your taste in retweets. I didn’t want to like and retweet too many all at once, because I’ve been traumatized by people doing that on my personal Facebook’s profile pictures. That is truly terrifying! It’s never anybody who looks non-threatening either. You’re never going to see a bunch of likes all at once and it’s a female run bakery/book shop. It’s always the guy you recognize… “Oh I think I’ve seen this guy: He’s the scariest person on Tinder!” By the time you get to his page you’ve already swiped through all the normal people and finally you get to Harvey, or whatever his terrifying name is. His picture was clearly taken in a room so dim some may guess it’s an abandoned storm cellar, the angle is so sharp and upward, and his face is cropped so tight. The second he pops up on your phone, you scream, drop your phone and ensure that all doors and windows are locked.
Anyway, I saw you liked knitting, and that’s a skill I’ve always admired. You get to be creative and actually make something that is pretty and functional. I never learned to knit … it looked too hard … unless I use those easy knitting looms … which isn’t really knitting. I saw a package at Michaels and I think it was called “Wow, I can knit, too!” or something like that. Which sounds like some sort of sarcastic thing a frenemy would say at brunch. “Wow, I can knit, too!”
I got more into cross-stitch, but I totally recognize that it’s way less functional. You can only cross stitch to make decorations. You can’t cross stitch and create socks or a sweaters, but you *can* cross stitch and ruin your roommates’ socks or sweaters. I’m working on a design of WWE superstar Dean Ambrose and both he and I will both be retired by the time I finish it.
I saw your quote about almost crying alone at a Chinese buffet and I could totally relate. Once I had a mental breakdown at work. I ran two subway stations over, crying the whole way. When I finally stopped running, I was at a dim sum restaurant. I was so drained I wandered in and there were only two other people dining. It felt like a miracle.
I think there are so many of us that have challenges holding it together sometimes, and you never notice it because sometimes everyone else seems normal and you’re the only one blubbering near Asian cuisine. Other times, your game face is functioning well, but you see that another person is using your favorite cry spot to weep into their scarf.
I know life is pretty challenging at times, and college can be a hot stressful mess, so I hope you’re making time to do things you love that make you happy. I can guess from what little I know about you that you’re an empathetic, deep person, and you deserve to have great days.
Signed sincerely with dim sum,
P.S. I hope you’re able to get a cat someday! I’m sure there will be a feline the the future who will be delighted to meet you!