Hi Friends. In this hella political episode, you’ll hear a perfectly inoffensive letter to a nice group of fellows, a postcard about a beloved game and note asking for advice from a public figure.
Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.
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- Letter Talk is written and produced by me, and my sister Amy edits my writing. This episode features music from Kevin MacLeod.
Letters
Dear Slipknot,
Don’t worry, I’m not just going to leave you hanging. I just know that in a formal letter you can’t put too many things in the salutations line. So, in this first paragraph, I’d like to formally say hi to all of you. Hello to Baroness Opera Beard, Wilson From The Tv Show Home Improvement, Friendly Porcupine, Tin Foil Conspiracy Clown, Big Metal Teeth, Spawn, Spring Roll Face, Exfoliating Cream, … A Jedi?
I’m writing to you as a form of civic duty. As you know there’s a big primary election coming up. Have you all been following the news? I have and some of it can be a bit discouraging. Like every time someone in New Hampshire says that their vote is worth 1000 California votes in the primary. Every time I hear that I keep thinking, hey c’mon man. C’mon, you don’t have to keep reminding me, I live here. I know there’s hella people, I see them all the time. Everywhere I go. All these people also want ice cream. All these people also want to go to the Vans store. And together with all the people I see, we join forces and create only one vote. Like a shitty Captain Planet.
Really I’m writing to guys to encourage you to caucus, I mean there’s 9 of you, and you’re in Iowa, I don’t have the numbers in front of me as I’m writing this, but 9 people in Iowa makes you a good portion of the electorate there, right? Nine people is definitely quite a voting block, I would say. I don’t think I can get me and 8 of my friends to agree on anything, I can’t imagine being in a band with them. It’s hella people! It’s enough people that if you were driving a 1991 Chevy Astro van, you’d have to have one person sit on someone’s lap.
Anyway, as I’m encouraging you guys to participate in your ever-so-early caucus, I wanted to see if you guys were keeping up with the candidates at all or are you guys kind of “wait and see” types? Or are you guys “wait and bleed” types? HIYOOOOO, that’s just a little Slipknot humor for you. I would be lying if I said something really patriotic like “I don’t care who you caucus for, just caucus! I don’t care who you vote for, just vote!” I’ve heard that, and I’ve never thought at anybody meant it. It always sounded like something so diplomatic to say, but come on, we’d all prefer everybody to vote for the people we like. Dude, I’d never say, “Just make sure you vote, even if you vote for that flaming meteor who’s only policy is to kill us all.” No way. I’d be like, “Hey can you vote for whoever the other party nominated, please?”
So that being said, if you haven’t already picked your candidate, I’d love to suggest that you Google [redacted]. [Redacted] could really use your help in those early states. Also, I’m keeping out the candidate’s name, because I want to appear fair and impartial and like I don’t have an agenda here. Like “I don’t care who you caucus for, just caucus!” But really you should check out *slide* [redacted]. Let me tell you all about him, he’s a [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], and boy howdy does he [redacted]. Anyway, you should really check out his plan for a Freedom Dividend of $1000 a month for every American. It’s a pretty [redacted]ing tight. And you might say, “Alyssa, you [redacted] scumbag. This will never happen, it’s too idealistic.” And I’m like, hey fuck [redacted], you might be right. But honestly, these are primaries, man. This is the time to be idealistic, and vote or caucus or whatever the [redacted] for all your idealistic candidates and ideas. If they don’t succeed this time around, maybe they might in the future. Primaries are about supporting people who may have all the things to want to focus on.
And besides, this is an exciting time when you get to see all the candidates open up their policy trench coats and show you all the interesting ideas they’re selling. Also, you get to see if someone is being a creep and they’re naked under the trenchcoat.
Anyway, to my dear friends in Slipknot, Formal Beard Mummy, Theater Kid Spy, Cross Stitch Fanatic, Zombie Ronald Mcdonald, Angry Train Face, Rhubarb Pie, Friendly Tumor, Frostbite Sally, And … A Handmaid’s Tale? I just hope to see you out exercising your right as an American.
Yours in honor,
Alyssa
Dear Hasbro,
It seems like caucuses are just like a game of Risk but your body is one of the game pieces and you’re forced to play with all your shitty neighbors. Have you thought about marketing the game that way? I’m available to consult if you need another great creative brain at the table.
Hi there,
I wanted to reach out to you to see if you had any great tips. I have to admit that even though it might not be for the right reasons, I’ve been admiring your style. So, a little bit of backstory about me, I’m a comedian floating out in the world here, doing a style of comedy that folks might find weird. Well, I guess I would say that just because I recently did a show for a bunch of rich white people at a vineyard and suffice it to say, it was not my crowd. It kind of reminded me of the time when my dad said to me, “I don’t understand a lot of your jokes, but all the people around me were laughing, so I know you’re good.” My dad was very similar to the crowd I was in front of at the winery in that they’re both dead.
Now, I’m not here to feel sorry for myself, so I hope it’s not taken that way. It’s just that I’ve read in so many places that the better you deal with rejection, the better you can handle life in general. I know it’s not unique, but I still feel like I never figured out how to deal with it. So far, I mostly just complain, and then overshare to strangers, most of whom have been very kind. Some would say too kind even, like if you just met someone, and you’re already telling them about what’s deep in your soul, it’s a bit crazy. Now meeting someone and giving them a phone number and saying “Call Me Maybe?” That’s not crazy at all. Meeting someone, being sad because people at a winery didn’t laugh and then admitting that you were seriously considering quitting comedy and going into the deep reasons why. Eh, I would say that’s a bit crazy.
But anyway, I want to be able to curb some of this behavior, and I’ve been following your career and I think you might be someone I could look up to in this arena. I feel like you just keep doing this thing, despite not really knowing how to get people to be interested, or knowing what you’re doing, or if people actually want you to do the thing you’re doing, but you keep on doing it. Hell I saw a news article about you entitled, “John Delaney draws 11 people to 2020 event – does he truly think he can win?” And I have so many thoughts about that. I’m like wow 11 people! He must be using Event Brite! And also, that seems like it should be a bigger number, I mean at the very least I know you’re polling higher than me in the Democratic primary, so you should feel good about that. I feel like if I was polling where Bernie Sanders is, I could probably get hella people to come see my comedy shows. It’s something I’ve been working on, but every poll I’ve asked doesn’t allow comedy shows to participate and it’s just adding to all the rejections I’m bummed out about. I’m really nice about it, too. I’m like, “Hey, when you’re asking about which candidate people are going to vote for, can you also just be like, ‘Oh also, would you consider going to this comedy show?’”
Anyway, how do you do it? How do you keep going? How do you keep doing this thing that is running for president even though it seems like it’s not happening right now? Is it hope? Is it hubris? I find that sometimes I just like to think about how nice it is to create something that people will like, even if it’s on a small scale, is that how it is for you? Like, maybe you just really enjoy running for president and you do it for you and you’d do it whether you made money or got famous or not. Is it like that?
Mr. Delaney, I’d be delighted to hear your thoughts about this. Also, in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, I feel like I have to let you know that I don’t think I’m going to vote for you in the California primary. But I also don’t want to make anyone feel bad or offend anyone by mentioning my chosen candidates name, so I’m going to bleep and just let you know that I’m supporting Andrew [redacted] this season. Maybe you should check out his platform and see if you like it!
Anyway, best of luck on the campaign trail!
Love,
Alyssa