[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #31

Today we have two letters with feedback to two distinctly different businesses, and a postcard that will hopefully bring about real change in South Carolina.

Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.


Dear Denny’s,

I have a huge concern to bring to your attention. Before I begin my critique, however, I want you to know that I’m still a huge fan of yours. The “Moons Over My Hammy” sandwich has gotten me through many a hard time during college, and you’re a true testament to the human need for the familiar sometimes. If I’m travelling on the road, I’m going to eat at a Denny’s.

I also have to thank you for that time ya’ll let me sleep in your parking lot when my sister and I were driving back from San Francisco. We were both too tired to drive, and I asked to take a nap. I told Amy she could sleep, too. I figured a Denny’s would be the best spot because if someone tried to hassle us in the car, I could always threaten to buy them your nacho dish (it sucks, sorry). I slept there for a few hours, and I think Amy sat quite upright with her eyes wide open, likely with her hand on her wallet with nacho money in case anyone wanted to come up to the car. I’m just happy we were both able to relax.

But chit chat, aside, I’d like to lay out my concern. In 2009, my friends and I were hanging out with people at the Blue Room bar. Three of us decided we were tired so we left, and decided to go to your fine establishment in Burbank, California. We got there a little before 11:30pm and ordered our food. As we were eating, we were informed that the Denny’s was going to be closing at midnight. WAT? Yes, I typed that correctly, they told us the Denny’s was going to close at midnight. For my whole life, Denny’s was associated as much with late nights as Conan O’Brien, Seth Meyers, or binge drinking your sorrows away. To say we were aghast would be an understatement. Just writing this and thinking about it is making me clutch my pearls.

Some of our friends who were still at the Blue Room, told us to come back, because Hillary Duff just walked in, but we were still at the Denny’s … speechless. Also, we were already tired and didn’t want to go back. I mean, what were we going to say to 2009 Hillary Duff anyway? “Hi, we’re all adults, and I think you were on that one show on the Disney channel?” Honestly, the only true thing I remember that strongly about HIllary Duff’s career is that she had a threesome with Dan and his girlfriend on Gossip Girl, and that episode hadn’t even come out at that time.

Anyway, I mostly just want to know why on earth this Denny’s gets a pass and gets to close at midnight? They’re not hurting your brand? I keep imagining a group of drunk people weeping outside the Burbank Denny’s, and passing out from starvation.

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this. Keep those moons over the hammies, my dudes.



Hey dude, I know Denny’s HQ is in your state. Can I propose legislation to make it illegal for Denny’s to close before I can eat the rest of the moons over my hammy? If you could do that I would be over the moons, Hammy. 


Dear Victoria’s Secret,

I wanted to send you some feedback about your fine establishments. I read recently that you would have to close 20 stores due to sales, and I wanted to see if I could help you reshape some of your business plans.

I was in one of your stores recently in order to get a refill on underwear. I do my laundry pretty often, but I knew I was in a panic situation when I hadn’t done laundry for a week and a half and was living dangerously on the edge of not having a clean pair.  I showed up and found it impossible to find 5 pairs of plain black panties in my size in the “hipster” cut. I only buy underwear that has the same label as what I am, that’s why most of my undies are dirty hipsters.

I ended up walking out of the store with 1 new black pair that was the right cut, but the other pairs I bought  had weird shit written on the back of them in some sort of holographic decal. “Pajamas all day” was one phrase. The other said, “Moody Mondays,” which sounds like something that might have been lifted from a Garfield cartoon strip. I guess aside from requesting that there be more black undies next time, might I provide some suggestions for other phrases you could put on the back of panties? How about, “Prison Reform Now!” Or “If these buns are a’rockin’ I’m dancing or I need to take a shit.” I know that one is a little long, sorry, but it’s for those folks who really want to let their partner know, “watch out, I ate Denny’s at 11:30pm tonight, and maybe that wasn’t the wisest decision I’ve ever made.” Maybe you could just do a simple label that just says “butt holster.” I think some people will appreciate how straightforward it is.

Another note I had is that when I went to check out, I not only got the panties wrapped in tissue paper, I also got a hella elaborate bag, and then a temporary tattoo along with my purchase. Hey man, I just want some underwear, I don’t need all this fancy other stuff. Also, I’m 30 years old, I don’t care if the temporary tattoo has a fragrance, I would feel like a dickhead coming to work with a temporary tattoo. Have you considered that maybe you guys spend too much money on all this weird stuff around the underwear? The next time I’m in your store, I might just turn into a crazy person screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOO” when I see the cashier go to put my items in bag. Those fancy shopping bags with the ribbons give me existential dread. I stared at that bag for months not knowing what to do. It was too small to carry a lunch in, too branded to put a gift in, and to be-ribboned to throw away. I guess I just feel like my favorite presentation of Victoria’s secret items would be if you just wrapped all the pieces within each other making an underwear ball, then threw them into my face screaming, “don’t lose ‘em, HAHAH.” Because at least at that point I wouldn’t have to experience the challenge of staring a bag with ribbon handles in the face, telling it that one day I’ll figure out an honorable way to dispose of it. Moody Mondays, am I right? HAHAHAHA

Let me know if you’d want to get together and discuss any of my ideas further. I’d be happy to help brainstorm.