[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #3

In this political episode, I write to an old president, a current government official, and a dear friend who used to be a prominent leader in my life.

If you’d like me to write you a letter, click on “Request A Letter.” But fair warning: I will stalk your social media, and I will read the letter on the podcast. If you write back to me, I might read that on the podcast, too.

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Hey Lincoln,

I’m kicking it at your memorial right now, and I must say, it is cool as shit. I’m not really sure what you were like personally, but I feel like you would dig this joint. If you go to the back there are fewer people and I kind of like the view better, especially at sunset.

The back has a lovely view of the Potomac, and the Rosslyn, VA skyline. Hey, how do you feel about DC’s building height restriction? I’m kinda down with it because tall buildings frighten me, same with basements…sometimes I feel like some emperor somewhere decreed that all comedy clubs should be in basements under tall buildings. It’s hella stressful.

Anywho, was it crazy weird moving to DC from Illinois? I guess I could always ask Obama, but I think he’s less likely to answer me. Lol, that was a little spiritual death humor. I think it’s much to  easier feel like you’re feeling some sort of response from someone who’s dead than from someone who’s alive and very much doesn’t know you exist. I guess I feel like dead people have more time to respond? I know if I had an eternity, I’d probably be much more likely to answer all my emails.

Hey while we’re on that topic, do you haunt people? I don’t know if I’d be into haunting people if I were a ghost. Today I followed this one guy on the street for like 3 quarters of a mile and I feel creepy as shit. Before you ask, no, it was not intentional, but he was very attractive.

Lincoln, if you haunt that guy, could you please give him my number? I’ll leave it as a folded up note in your open statue hand. Feel free to call me, too if you ever want to kick it.

Anyway, the guy had glasses and floppy hair. He was wearing maroon pants, blue sneakers, a white shirt and he had a grey backpack filled with shit. Or at least it looked pretty filled. It almost looked suspicious. If I saw it left on the Metro, I would hella say something about it. This happened on March 25th in the afternoon on 16th street. I started following him after I picked up a book at the library (I had that shit on hold, like a goddamn boss). It was from Irving to around U Street, because I had to walk down New Hampshire.

Lincoln, was that creepy of me? I trust your judgment here since you’re probably a Scooby Doo villain at this point.

But yeah, cool monument. I’m digging that Alabama Marble on the ceiling.

Stay Chill Bro,



Dear Attorney General Jeff Sessions,

First, I want to applaud you on spelling your name J E F F, because some people spell Jeff G E O F F. I don’t want to scare you or rattle your 182-year-old bones by tell you that, I just want to make sure that you’re aware.

I’m writing to you because there’s something I need to bring to your attention, it’s a true injustice I have been following for quite some time now.

A little while back I was in the mood for pizza, I didn’t want to get delivery because I was on a budget, yet at the same time I was not so totally broke that I was willing to settle for one dollar slices from the 7-Eleven. I decided that my best bet was to go to the grocery store and get a frozen pizza. I ended up investing my dollars into a Digiorno pizza, believing that you get what you pay for, and that this pizza would be worth six dollars.

But alas, I had been duped, that pizza was a three dollar pizza masquerading as a six dollar treat. I came to find that not only was it smaller than a Little Caesars Hot ‘n’ Ready, it also tasted so much worse. To add insult to injury, I paid more money for a pizza that was neither hot, nor ready.

Mr. Sessions, my biggest question is how it is legal for Digiorno to sell these frozen abominations at more than six dollars a piece, while Little Caesars pizzas are only five? I wonder if there is some deep corruption or collusion in the pizza industry that artificially inflates the price of OK-tasting frozen pizzas.

This is a huge concern for me, and I hope that if you do not take action you will at least bring this up for discussion at your next important staff Jeff Session, because I assume that you refer to all your meetings as Jeff “Sessions” as in “Thank you for meeting me every week here at Pizza Hut for these Jeff Sessions.”

I don’t know if you have actual Justice Department meetings… or if you have actual Justice Department meetings at Pizza Hut. I just really think it would be the best place for work meetings, because, and correct me if I’m wrong, it is illegal for people to talk about jogging in a Pizza Hut, because too many people have died of irony doing that. All I’m saying is there are a lot of “active” people in my work meetings so any area where people can’t talk about exercise habits they pretend to have would be great.

Yours in Christ,


Hi Tim,

Long time, no see! I’m actually trying to think of the last time I saw you in real life. It’s been a while. I remember when we’d see each other all the time on the Internets while playing World of Warcraft. You were the vice guild master or something? CO? I can’t remember. I know our friend Robert was technically the master, but you normally led all the raids and stuff.

Thinking about this makes me miss being on Ventrilo. For the young kids who might be reading, Ventrilo is just an old people version of Discord, but you had to have your own server to have your friends on. But it was still the same idea: a voice chat system where you can shout at your friends and call them slurs after they accidentally pop an ultimate move too early and it causes your entire team to die. Goddamn it’s always Snip3erK1ngXx who’s fucking over our team, am I right?

Check yes or no to this box if I’m right:

Am I right?

□ Yes □ No

Speaking of Ventrilo, I remember when you had a fan going while you were online and we could hear it when you spoke into your microphone. You’d be leading a 40 man raid, and when you talked there was this apparent *fap*fap*fap* noise every time you were giving instruction. “Alright guys, we want DPS to stay on the outside,” and of course in the background was that fap fap. It was an electric fan, right? I wanted to make sure that I had it right.

Was it a fan? Check yes or no:

□ Yes □ No

My sister told me that sometimes you guys colluded to give people better loot, and if I benefited from that, I totally appreciate it. She said that it was pretty obvious and if you read the Dragon Kill Points (DKP) reports you’d see that. I can’t believe you guys left a paper trail over all of that, and I’m glad you guys didn’t end up getting investigated. Me typing up this letter and making it public knowledge makes me feel a lot like Mark Felt when he revealed that he was Deep Throat: people are like, “Who are you talking about? That was a long time ago we almost forgot about that.”

I’m really thankful for the time I spent with you, my sister, and the rest of the folks on World of Warcraft. It was an odd schedule and I don’t think I could ever do it again. We’d just play WoW all day and late into the night, then go to Dennys at 2 in the morning to eat Moons Over My Hammies. We’d all go home and sleep for a little bit. Go to work or school, then every afternoon and evening do it all over again. I remember sleeping through so many Journalism 103 classes in college. I ended up getting a sympathy B- from my professor. He was also my advisor for the Journalism school, and he’d continually taunt me for not living up to my potential, and for living in Reno but having no interest in skiing. I’d like to meet him again so he could see how much I’ve continued the trend. I tried to Google him, but I must have spelled his name wrong because I keep getting the LinkedIn of a guy who is the Vice President and General Manager of White Castle, and now I kind of want to reach out to him and see what he thinks of how I’ve been living my life for the last 12 years.

Anyway, I hope your family is doing well, and that life is great. I wish you many White Castle sliders and Moons Over Your Hammy for years to come.