[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #24

This episode is a true hoot! I confront a lawyer with a message from my friend, send a postcard asking about legal procedure, and write a letter to a friend of mine who’s a good egg.

Letter Talk is a short (~10 minutes) comedy podcast where a I write letters to anyone about anything, and I’d be honored to write one to you.


Dearest David S. Rudolf,

I’m writing to you because my friend Emily watched the documentary The Staircase and it clearly had an affect on her. She told me about it, and although I am too squeamish to watch the documentary, I assure you that I’ve read all the Wikipedia pages.

From my understanding the case in the documentary revolves around Michael Peterson, who was tried and convicted of murdering his wife Kathleen, but turns out the actual murderer was an owl? I’m not sure if anyone has taken legal action against the owl, but I know my friend and personal lawyer Joe Maragna, Esquire has worked with animal cases before and may be interested in the case. When he worked for the state of Nevada, he successfully got a conviction for a repeat offender: a bear who consistently attacked Lake Tahoe campers and stole their food. Joe Maragna, Esquire truly solidified his legal career with his work on the State vs. Yogi Bear.

While I’m here, I wanted to compliment you on the striking photo you have of yourself on your website. You’re leaning up against a piece of furniture in a very cool “Chester Cheetah”-like fashion. The background has been edited out, but I think that makes the image perfect. It’s a blank slate! I’ve actually taken the liberty to photoshop this picture into some cool backgrounds!

  • Here’s one where you’re on the beach
  • Here’s one where you’re at a Rammstein concert
  • Here’s one where you’re with the Hindenburg
  • Oh and in this one you’re on the catwalk during fashion week

But really I should tell you why I’m truly writing. Emily wrote you a tweet, and I just wanted to follow up and make sure you got it. It said, “When Candace told you to get a new suit because you looked poor, did you remind her that she doesn’t know the first thing about law suits?” C’mon dude. No like or anything? That’s a good-ass tweet. I think we can all agree that in the court of public opinion that’s a really funny tweet. I mean, of course you\’re in no way obligated to retweet it, but maybe a like would be cool?

Anyway, I hope you’re having a great week, and if you’re ever interested in talking shop, I know my friend and personal injury attorney Joe Maragna, Esquire would love to pick your brain.

Yours truecrimely,


Is it possible for someone to animorph into an owl, kill their spouse, then animorph back into a human? Then in court, would you try them as an owl or a human?

Thanks for your help!

Hi Dee,

It was great to hear from you! And it was also great you have you crash on my couch a little while ago. I miss living across the street from you, and getting to hang out with you more at shows. How is the old neighborhood holding up?

By the way, thanks for carrying my couch up to my apartment when I still lived there, that was a solid friend move. It was fascinating to watch a human being carry a couch all by himself. It was like watching an ant carry a crumb. I remember offering to help, but you declined, and I was left wondering if I just happened to buy a hilariously small couch. And that would have made sense, considering I had rented myself a hilariously small apartment.

I feel horrible asking, but I really don’t want to tiptoe around it. How is your bird cult? I know it was sort of supposed to be a secret, but I figure the cat’s out of the bag right? The cat is out of the bag and it’s chasing one of your people, and while I don’t condone the cat’s violence, I do condone the cat’s metaphor for this particular case. Here’s one thing I’ve always wondered about your bird cult, are you guys all birds and people at the same time. Like if you wore shorts we could all see that you had bird legs? Or do you guys Animorph back and forth between person and bird.

Oh, since I have you on the horn, Cody had a question for you. He wanted to know, “How can you respect birds when they don’t have enough sphincters to control when they poop?” I didn’t know they didn’t have enough sphincters, mostly because you know what I always say! You can never have enough sphincters. They’re like toilet paper, if I sees ‘em on sale, I buys them. My mom always said, “If you like something, buy them in every color,” and that’s why I have a closet that’s a veritable rainbow of sphincters.

Dee, all bird cult references aside, I’m really happy that we’re buddies, and I’m happy I got to see you for a little bit recently. You’re someone I really admire because you’re funny and you have a strong work ethic, and you care about other people. You’re one of the people out there I’m really routing for, and I’m super pumped to see that you’re going on all these comedy adventures. I know that you’re one of those friends I will always have, and will always be happy to see.

Keep being a true hoot. Owl see you around!

Bird to your mother,