[Letter Talk] Mail Bag #10

Recently, my friend Ryan de la Garza (@ofthegarza), received a letter from a couple asking to buy his house. In this mail bag We’re going to explore that letter, I’m going to write a letter back, and I’m going to learn from their tactics to get what I want out of life. I’m also going to send a fun fact to Marco Rubio.

And of course a super big thanks to Ryan for letting me use this letter. Ryan has a great nationally touring comedy show based in Omaha, Nebraska called You Had to Be There, where comedians talk to people on Chat Roulette and Omegle. I’ve done the show, it’s a really funny great time, and you can watch entire shows online. The Twitter handle is @Had2BeThereShow and the two is the number 2. Ryan’s Twitter handle is @ofthegarza.


Zach and Melissa’s letter:

Bogarted from @ofthegarza‘s twitter account. 🙂

Dearest Zach and Melissa,

I’m writing to you because you sent a letter to my friend Ryan asking to buy his house in Omaha. You said that you thought it would be “a home that fits our style as much as our needs.” I feel the need to warn you that Ryan’s home will most likely not be a good fit for you and your “little family.”

I put the phrase “little family” in quotes, not to be condescending, but to imply the quizzical look on my face when I read that. You wrote that your family consisted of Zach, Melissa, and a dog. Is your family so little that right now it actually isn’t technically a family, but a couple and a pet? For the last 5 years I’ve been moving through the world with a dog companion, but I don’t claim to have the plight of a single mother just trying to get by. By bending perception here I can truthfully say that my life is one of a middle class lady who gets by fine, has a stereotypical small dog, goes to yoga and enjoys walking around Ikea for decorating ideas… or I can use phrasing to make it sound like I’m a single mom and my life is like that of Debbie Nelson, who raised Marshall Bruce Mathers the third. Am I a privileged lady who works at a desk all day or am I a woman woefully raising a future rapper who’s a bit of a dickhead? Either way, my lawyer Joe Maragna Esquire, of the Reno Maragna Esquires, has taken an interest in this issue of truth and will be studying it carefully.

But despite your bending the truth, I like and trust you guys, Zach and Melissa, and because of this, I need to tell you about Ryan’s house. You don’t want it, it is not what it seems. Ryan’s house used to belong to Tony Hawk, who gutted the walls in the first floor and replaced all the rooms with a skate park. The top floor isn’t even there anymore, either, it’s just bees. The rafters of Ryan’s house are home to Omaha’s most successful honey producer and the largest bee colony Nebraska has to offer. He also lets you rent the bees for birthday parties, retirement parties, or to chase down your frenemies. As you can see, this house may not be great if you’re looking to grow a family. I would hate to see you have to tuck your future baby into a skate ramp with a blanket of bees every night.

You mentioned that Zach is a real estate broker, and so am I! I am not licensed, because I want to build up cred in the independent real estate scene before I make the jump to the majors. I actually know of a house that might be a good fit for you guys. It’s on Federal Street in Baltimore, Maryland. It’s a 2 bedroom, 2 bath rowhouse and with all that space you can grow your family! And what’s great is since this abandoned building doesn’t have windows, you can most definitely see that the inside is just rooms and not skateparks or bees. It’s e very homebuyers dream! Also, don’t worry about the google map view as I’m sure the trash in front of the boarded up door has been picked up by now. Here are some pictures so you can see. I’ve also enclosed my business card in case you want to contact me so i can send you the link.

Google streetview, don’t worry about the trash

Here’s the listing link: https://www.coldwellbankerhomes.com/md/baltimore/1432-federal-street/pid_20995000/

Thanks for reading! I hope to hear from you soon.



Dear Fjallraven,

Hi, I am Alyssa Cowan, a person who has been on the hunt for a Kanken 13 inch laptop backpack in Frost Green and Peach Pink for some time now. Unfortunately, Kanken 13 inch laptop backpacks matching my need for frost green and peach pink do not hit the market very often. Because of this, I have decided to take a less conventional approach (that I have learned from my new friends Zach and Melissa), and reach out to you directly by letter about backpacks that fit my needs and taste.

I am looking for a backpack that fits my style as much as my needs and your out of stock Kanken 13 inch laptop backpack in frost green and peach pink appears to be one that may fit both. I appreciate the charm and character of this square pack, and it appears to have the kind of space I’m looking for. I am a young single mother to a dog rapper and I would love to find a nice backpack for my little family. A bit about me, I am an unlicensed real estate broker, who is trying to become established in the real estate scene before going pro. I am already very close to making my first sale: a lovely windowless 2 bedroom rowhouse in Baltimore.

I definitely understand that this approach to Kanken 13 inch laptop backpack buying is uncommon and I should probably just pick another color that isn’t sold out and move on with my life, so I appreciate your taking the time to read this letter. Enclosed is my business card, please contact me if you have any Kanken 13 inch laptop backpacks in frost green and peach pink and are interested in discussing the sale of said backpack. I am pre-approved for a backpack sale, meaning I have the money to buy said backpack, and am in a position to move at whatever pace you are comfortable with should you decide to move forward. I also have two wonderful references, Zach and Melissa, who can vouch for my real estate selling, backpack purchasing and letter copying abilities.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration,


Dear Marco,

I know you love guns and all, but I need to tell you: If you thought putting a fork in your microwave messes up your machine that much, try microwaving a gun! Not great!

Thoughts and prayers,