[H-Season] Book 2 – Chapter 3: The Trial of the Rock vs the People of the Republic of Billy Ocean’s Maritime House

In this episode, we bear witness to the trial of the century as Dwayne Johnson is prosecuted for the murder of Hornswoggle. Find out the verdict in this gripping courtroom drama.

Recorded in Arlington, VA with Alyssa Cowan (Arlington, VA / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Johnny Black (Washington, DC / @JohnnyOverthink), and Noah Crowley (Springfield, VA / @capitallaughsdc)

Episode Notes:

  • There’s no type writer in this episode, because I discovered that mine kicked the bucket on the last flight it was on. =/
  • Here’s a link to the Russell Madness trailer we were watching: youtube.com/watch?v=dVH9ULo4mzQ
  • We make a joke about there being an app that people use when the Wyatts come out. That’s because we were at a WWE even and Johnny thought it was an app, and one of us was like…”You know it’s just the flashlight on your phone?” So, we still make fun of him for that.
  • Johnny, Noah, and I enjoy going to Nova Pro Wrestling (@VAWrestling), and Cutie and Beast (@CATBwrestling) is one of the tag teams we really enjoy.
  • I used the music of Kevin MacLeod in this episode. You can find his work at incompetech.com.

Book 2 / Chapter 3

The Rock calls the cops on Dwayne Johnson. It’s a very “Don’t shoot me, shoot him!” situation. He calls the cops on him for the murder of Hornswoggle and he tries to frame him.

Establishing shot: the set of Ballers. Helicopter shot over the set of Ballers. The wind howls on a grey day. Isn’t Ballers in Miami? It’s grey in Miami sometimes. Even in Miami, it’s grey sometimes. Is it always sunny in Miami? No, that’s Philadelphia. This is when we realize that Miami is the shadowform of Philadelphia.

Is Miami the good guy? No man, it’s just different forms of life. The UnderTaker, woops I mean Mark Calloway, has his own rich inner life. We meant to talk about Mark Calloway, so we’re clear.

Back to the story:

Rain drops swirl as the cops circle around Dwayne Johnson. He was filming a drug bust scene so he can’t tell the difference between real cops and fake cops, so he’s not taking anyone seriously. Paul Scheer is really hamming it up and is like jumping in front of the Rock and someone straight up shoots Paul Scheer. That cop removes his mask and it’s Rob Corddry, he was in riot gear. Rob Corddry was part of the real cops.

Smash cut to Dwayne Johnson in a cop car, finally taking it seriously.

Rob Corddry starts fading like they do in back to the future. He has to get Paul Scheer into the recombobulation chamber so they both don’t die. Rob didn’t realize that’s what happens if you kill your shadow, or did he? ‘Cause that’s we’re trying to figure out.

Once your shadow dies you have 24 hours to get them into the chamber (recombobluation) so you can be the only version of that thing/person/place. That’s why the Rock called the cops on Dwayne Johnson.

Hornswoggle was murdered at the Megaman Invitational, which took place at Billy Ocean’s house, so they have to have the trial at Billy Ocean’s house. That’s how the law works (It’s maritime law, /shrug). This is the trial of the Rock vs. the People of the Republic of Billy Ocean’s Maritime House. Billy Ocean, Judge Billy Ocean is presiding.

The prosecutor would obviously be very great, just the best, we have great people working for us. We find out that UnderTaker has reincarnated Macho Man Randy Savage. He’s the prosecutor. He’s a real good guy, an Atticus finch type lawyer. Good dude. UnderTaker reincarnating Macho Man sparks a big Twitter war with Donald Trump.

The Rock is getting nervous because his defense attorney isn’t showing up. He woops, we mean Dwayne Johnson’s attorney. I guess the Rock shouldn’t have an attorney here.

The prosecution calls its first witness to the stand. The Rock is sad that his defense attorney Bray Wyatt hasn’t shown up yet. The Rock wanted to get rid of the… Dwayne Johnson’s attorney, I mean. Also the rock wanted to fuck this sentence, what’s next?

First witness: Kendrick Lamar to the stand!

“State your name, playa.”

“Kendrick, ‘I like to rap’ Lamar. State your name.”

“Oh, Billy Ocean. Sassy, you are sassy and I like it. I’ll allow it,” says the judge.

Macho man says, “Oooh yeaaahhh. ”

“Yes!” screams Kendrick Lamar, “Say your name, what is your name?”

“Oooh yeah, Macho Man Randy Savage. I played Bone Saw in the Spiderman movies oh yea, and Kendrick Lamar I’ve got you for two minutes.”

Kendrick Lamar just starts clapping. He loves it. Then they lower a steel cage that traps Kendrick Lamar and Randy Savage. Man, maritime law, am I right?

“Bone Saw, Bone Saw!” screams Billy Ocean. Shoutout to Spiderman for keeping wrestling kayfabe.

“Oooh yeah, now I’m just a simple small down lawyer, but will you explain to these good people what happened during the Megaman Wrestling and Rap Invitational?

“Well, I was rapping, which is what I love to do.”

“Objection, let the record show I also love rapping, I have a whole rap album. It was a dis track against Hogan and other songs.”

Billy Ocean is like, ” I’ll allow it. It’s not an objection, but it is a fun fact.”

“The murder weapon was the Rock’s hands, he killed him with his own two hands.” Kendrick has video evidence.

They pull down a Titantron, and it lowers from the ceiling. Kendrick yells “Play, Goddamnit!”

It shows footage of the piledriver. The courtroom is aghast at the grisly footage. A resolute Macho Man says, “Oh yeah, nothing further, your honor.”

The lights go out suddenly! When they come back up, the UnderTaker appears in the cage and Billy Ocean is dumbfounded: “Nobody can get into the cage when it’s lowered, I’ll still allow it.”

“I think you wanted somebody else,” says the UnderTaker and the lights go down one more time. The lights come back up, and Sting is in the cage.

“Oooo show time,” yells Sting! Everyone pops, but they also know that’s still not the right person. Very smarky people in courtroom

“How are people still getting into this cage?” Billy Ocean’s mind is blown. He can’t figure out the tricks of wrestling.

The lights go back out again, and all the jury turns on their phone apps that make the lights and stuff, and Bray shuffles in.

“Sorry, it was really dark, I had to use this ladder to get into the cage.” When the lights turn on he’s trying to pull his rocking chair into the cage, but it’s stuck.

“Brothers and sisters, I am in darkness because I am not blinded by the light, this man is not the Rock, I can see into his soul.”

“That’s not really a question,” says Kendrick.

Bray pays no attention to Kendrick Lamar, and continues ranting about snakes, some lady named Abigail and the Donald Trump Twitter war.

Three hours later. Bray finally successfully pulls his chair trough the cage, and Billy Ocean is like, “Why didn’t we just lift the cage to bring in the chair?”

The whole time bray was ranting he was pulling on the chair. Bray says, “Nay Brother Ocean, I wanted to bring the chair through the cage to prove that nothing is impossible. The Rock switched with Dwayne, like I did with UnderTaker and Sting.”

The funniest horse is like, “More like ‘neigh brother’”

The whole jury is horses: Seabiscuit, Bojack Horseman, Carrie, Black Beauty, Seasbiscuit, Mr. Ed, and they all chuckle at the joke. Also Hornswoggle wearing a horse mask is on the jury. Also Hayden and Hornswoggle’s horse cousin, but they’re wearing the horse costume. For some reason they’re both wearing the bottom horse part of the costume.

“Look at this hung jury, naw mean? We’re hung like horses,” shouts seabiscuit 1 as he starts laugh crying.

Billy Ocean says, “I’ll allow it. It’s my party, but you’ll cry if you want to. I extend that over to everyone here. :)” Half the room breaks down in tears.

“We’ve been holding back that life is so sad,” they say.

“Prosecution call your next witness. ”

No! Swerve, the defense calls in Paul Scheer. Rob Cordroy brings in Paul Scheer in his backpack. He’s a busy guy on the go. But everybody thinks it’s Paul Scheer, just wearing a normal backpack. Bray is asking Paul Scheer to tell people something only the Dwayne Johnson would know, and not the Rock, but Paul Scheer can’t because it’s really Rob Corddry. Rob Corddry asks, “What is the Rock cooking?”

Dwayne is like, “Falafel?”

Gasps through the courtroom. Horses hate falafel. But they know he’s Dwayne now and not the Rock. Among the hubub Billy Ocean slams his gavel, and send the horse jury to the stable to render their verdict. They all have matching shirts, they rull cool.

By the way. The four horsemen are there too. We totally didn’t miss it. They’re all there, all the different iterations, and the four horsewomen. There are like 12 of them. 12 four horsemen.

The horse jury returns after exactly four hours, a lot of it was for the sandwich eating, they really just wanted sandwiches, they knew what was going to be the final verdict, but hey, free sandwiches. They declare the Rock not guilty, as Hornswoggle pulls off his horse mask. A hush falls over the crowd, “How can Hornswoggle be dead if he’s alive?” UnderTaker crawls up the wall into an air duct so as to not have to explain this situation, it’s just super complicated and he doesn’t want to have to deal with that shit. Just as he gets in the air duct his mom calls and the ringtone echoes throughout the courthouse, it’s the song “Mama Mia” by ABBA. Billy Ocean is like, “What the fuck? He’s not even dead? We just wasted our goddamn time!!!”

The Rock bursts into the courtroom, “Not True!!! He’s double not guilty, which makes him guilty!!” Billy Ocean is all like, “Ohhh shit man, that’s crazy. ”

So, Dwayne Johnson is heading to jail, and surprise, the road to WrestleMania is also a moving walkway. Like at an airport. A moving walkway is the shadow version of a road. So they’re there. WrestleMania.

Cut to Stone Cold. The camera pans up a little bit more and it’s not Stone Cold, it’s Cutie and the Beast!! Cutie is like, “Do you think we can do? We can make it to WrestleMania?”

And the Beast says, “Yes, ’cause we’re family, and the best tag team is family!!!­­”