After the accidental killing a loved one, the Rock is out to find out how he can bring him back to life, meanwhile the brother of the deceased is out for revenge. Read the chapter below.
Recorded in Arcata, CA during the Savage Henry Independent Times Comedy Festival with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Dash Kwiatkowski (San Francisco, CA), Hayden Greif-Neill (Oakland, CA / @HGNeills / Instagram: hgneills), and friends.
Book 2 / Chapter 1
The Rock and Hornswoggle: A Love Story. We know the ending but we don’t know how we get there. That’s why this is storytelling.
“When I was a young man, my father gave me some advice, ” said Hornswoggle. “Always wrestle hella good,” he said.
“That’s so strange,” said the Rock, “My father gave me similar advice. I feel like we have a lot in common,” he said as he piledrives Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle unfortunately dies from the piledriver; the Rock is crying. We’ve never seen the Rock cry this hard, except for that one time.
“This is what it looks like when you squeeze tears from a rock. It sucks because we know he loved Hornswoggle,” said JBL at ringside.
“My god, heartbreak, there’s no coming back from that one,” added JR. This is the story that unfolds in all of our hearts, but also at SummerSlam 20xx. This match was the Megaman Invitational Wrestling and Rap competition.
Kendrick Lamar said, “Wow that sucked. I really enjoyed Hornswoggle’s wrestling, and I’m disappointed I won’t be able to see it in the future… well, I guess it’s time to rap now.”
“My name is Kendrick and I ‘m here to say, I like to rap, in an everyday way.”
Jesus arrives to take Hornswoggle’s soul to heaven. It’s really special that this happened during Hornswoggle’s favorite Kendrick song: “Intro to Rap (I am Starting to Rap Now)” off Kendrick Lamar’s most popular album “I Like to Rap: (That’s Just How I feel About Rapping).” His debut album was “I’m a Great Rap Man (I Hope You All Enjoy My Raps (You Will)).”
While Kendrick is rapping, Scotty 2 Hotty comes out and does the worm to comfort his friend, the Rock. No one has done anything with Hornswoggle’s body, it’s still just lying there. Jesus swerves and piledrives Hornswoggle’s soul to the mat and pins him. “It wasn’t just me who won, it was heaven too,” and they go to heaven.
“My heart is as broken has Hornswoggle’s neck, ” said the Rock. “Finally the Rock has returned to the single life!”
You see, this isn’t a story about the love between two wrestlers; this is the story about how the Rock learned to love himself again. This is how the Rock got his groove back. He starts to make appearances as “the Rock with Groove.”
What’s weird is that that was the first time Hornswoggle and the Rock really met, if you know what I mean 😉
The rock decides that he misses Hornswoggle too much, so he seeks out the advice on of the UnderTaker on coming back to life. Unfortunately the UnderTaker was the American badass, so he can only give advice on sick choppers, so the Rock has to make the UnderTaker find his way again, to save his friend, to save himself…and that’s how the UnderTaker got his groove back.
There’s a sick training montage with the Rock and the UnderTaker does some necromancy stuff.
*sweet guitars riffs: nneneernrnenenrnrnen weeeeeeenenenneeeeneneeeerrrrr* *Santana’s “Smooth”*
“GIVE ME YOUR HEART MAKE IT REAL OR ELSE FORGET ABOUT IT”
“MY NAME IS ROB THOMAS! yeaaaah”
*santana guitar riff*
UnderTaker says, “Isn’t it weird that all of Rob Thomas’ songs hav the line, ‘my name is ‘Rob Thomas’?”
Rock says, “It makes sense to me! He just wants to make his mark on the song, like I want to make my mark on the world.”
“A mark or a groove?”
And then they hug. Zoom in on the Rock’s face looking lonely even in the embrace of another man. 🙁
“Hornswoggle,” he whispers. (“He” being the Rock.)
“Hornswoggle? What am I chopped liver?” says the Deadman, and he piledrives the Rock.
“I’m coming to you Hornswoggle,” whispers the Rock. But his well-exercised, buff-ass neck is alright, and also the UnderTaker doesn’t work too stiff.
“Hey are you guys doing piledrivers?” says Kane as he pops his head into the barn where the Rock and UnderTaker are training.
“Ug, no, get out of here!” says the UnderTaker.
“That’s just my landlord brother, Rock, sorry about him,” says the UnderTaker.
A nearby horse whinnies as if to say, “Hey buddy got any grass?” This wasn’t a talking magical horse, so nobody knows what he says. He just writes these amazing jokes and whinnies them and nobody gets it. He’s one of our greatest comedians and nobody will ever know. It’s crazy how some of our most amazing literary voices come from unexpected places *arrow pointing to you*.
Another horse starts stares at Rock and Taker suspiciously; unbeknownst to anyone it is actually two guys in a horse costume. One of the men is Hornswoggle’s brother out for revenge against his brother’s murderer. The other guy is a Task Rabbit.
“There’s that bastard,” says Hornswoggle’s bro. The Task Rabbit is like, “Wait, which one?”
Hornswoggle’s cousin (or brother or both, depends on who you ask, they have a complicated family tree) says, “Hrrmmm, give me the picture again.”
They look at a picture, and the picture is a picture of the rock riding a horse. Their attention is drawn to the horse in the picture, and they look at the horse and say, “There he is.”
Hornswoggle’s bro is a normal size dude, and the task rabbit is a little person.
“Don’t you even know why we’re here?” asks the bro.
“Sorry I don’t really follow wrestling, ” replies the Task Rabbit. The Task Rabbit is Bay Area comedian Hayden Greif-Neill and he’s in small face for this role.
Hornswoggle’s brother says, “Hand me the piece.”
Bay Area comedian Hayden Greif-Neill hands over some peas, and says “Sorry, I’m color blind.”
“Did you not bring the gun?”
“No, I forgot it in the AirBNB, I’ll go get it.”
Hayden walks away, splitting the horse costume in two, hilariously. The comedy horse sees this and whinnies as if to say, “I’ve heard of half baked plans, but this is ridiculous.”
The rock didn’t notice any of this going on, because he was engaged in a fist fight with the devil. He’s fist fighting instead of wrestling because you’re not allowed to wrestle the devil. Those are the rules, and this was not a no disqualification match.
“Gimme back Hornswoggle! You bad red person!”
“I have to pee,” said DC area comedian Alyssa Cowan, in what can only be described as a “Never Ending Story” moment. Alyssa carves one more tally into her arm, there’s a mark for every pee she’s ever taken!
“I’m tired of this,” says the devil, finally agreeing give UnderTaker his necromancy powers back.
“Sweet thanks,” says the UnderTaker.
“Finally, we can do this,” says the Rock as he pulls Hornswoggle’s corpse out of his backpack.
“Sorry dude, I’m supposed to bring lots of people back to life, you’re low on the list.”
“Bro, I’m taking that hug back.”
“Aw man, okay,” the UnderTaker gives the Rock a reverse hug. They’re mortal enemies now. *Cliffhanger*
*Cut to Big Foot sitting in a corporate office ringing his hands.
“Everything is going as expected.”
### Created by Vince Gilligan ###