[H-Season] Book 1 – Chapter 5: Wonton Soup

In Chapter 5 of our fanfiction, Val Venis surprises the MichaelTaker after he wakes up from his coma, but trouble strikes when the dangerous Bushwackers appear. Meanwhile, Dick Cheney watches over the MichaelTaker’s lair, will he get to see him back at the estate in one piece? 

With Alyssa Cowan (alyssapants.com / @alyssapants / Washington, DC), Jere Pilapil (@swingdingaling / Boston, MA), and Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso / Boston, MA)

Book 1 / Chapter 2

By Alyssa Cowan, Jere Pilapil, and Andrew Durso

No more Kane, please. Kane won’t be on the story tonight.

Wait, what? Believe us, we don’t want Kane in the story. We are in the hospital.

“Incest shows are hot right now, and I owe Val Venis an apology, and he only understands one language, and that’s the language of love,” thinks MichaelTaker.

The door swings open, enter Val Venis, clad in a full nurse costume, carrying a bowl of hot soup.

“What kind of soup is that?” says MichaelTaker.

Val Venis says, “Wonton soup.” *this is a When Harry Met Sally type thing

“Woa, that’s my favorite soup.”

The Bushwackers are in the corner and they say, “I’ll have what he’s having!” NAILED IT.

Val Venis says, “Oh fuck,” and he rips off his nurse outfit, he has on a wrestling singlet, but he didn’t wear that normally…but he’s wearing his street clothes, which is a singlet.

The Bushwackers stand up, they rip off their clothes, and under that they’re wearing nurses outfits.

Michaeltaker shouts, “Who’s gonna give me the sponge bath?”

Val Venis: “Sounds like it’s going to be a sponge bath in blood. This is gonna be a handicapped sponge bath.”

Vince says, “This handicapped sponge bath is scheduled for one fall… IN LOVE! (heart…not the band.) The Bushwackers step toward MichaelTaker menacingly. They’re not doing the hand thing, WE’RE BETTER THAN THAT! They’re just being very threatening. Val Venis tackles MichaelTaker out the window, and they escape…this is the only way to exit a room with dignity.

MichaelTaker says, “We all know that Australian spies can’t go down stairs.”

“How’d they get up the stairs?” asks Val Venis.

The Bushwackers walk to the window and they do that hand thing, shaking their fists at the dudes in anger.

“Wrestling is the only art form left, ” screamed the Bushwackers!

Val Venis: “We gotta get out of here.”

Michaeltaker: “They might be right!”

“I know it was a billion years ago, but I’m sorry,” says Michaeltaker.

Val says, “It doesn’t matter,” and they run to his space car. “Man Los Angeles has really been a wasteland since they ran out of water. That’s what we get for putting another Clinton in the White House. This is the future after all, remember man?”

“I’ve been in a coma for a long time, man,” says Michaeltaker. The MichaelTaker and Val Venis are doing a famous Sorkin walk and talk. They’re walking and talking. They’re also fleeing and speaking. It’s a forced rhyme, a real shoehorn, and then the hospital blows up. Are the Bushwackers okay? Who knows? Also, the Joker is outside the hospital like in that one movie, and he’s also in a nurse’s costume.

They go back to the Michaeltaker lair, and Dick Cheney is like Alfred from Batman.

“God I feel bad about the innocents at the hospital,” says MichaelTaker.

“They built that hospital just for you, ” says Val Venis.

“Some people just want to see the world get powerbombed, ” said Alfred…Dick Cheney, I mean. “Master Val.”

“But this is my place,” says MichaelTaker.

“Val just has the same syllables as bruce.”

“Dick, what’s happened with Shaemus since the billion years I’ve been in a coma?”

“Shaemus lost his head, a careless man who could end up dead. Too many lies, Master Val THEN HE WAS REBORN AS Shemus, I told you I’d give divas a chance!” SHEEEEMUSSS!!!! WE CRACKED THE CODE!

Let’s inject some sexiness…or not, maybe not say that…maybe throw in that there was some hardcore sex earlier, but it didn’t test well with the audience. This is pg-13, because we want to get the teenagers in…if ya know what I mean, jk.

“What do you mean?” asked val venis. “………………yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Dick Cheney shakes his head, “Boys will be boys,” he says as he leaves the room leaving the door open just a peak…

Val Venis sidles up to the MichaelTaker, MichaelTaker says, “Let’s get down to business. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Them’s the magic words!”

Then in a plume of smoke the UNDERTAKER APPEARS!!!!

UUUUUH MichaelTaker: “I thought you were dead.”

Undertaker grins, “I AM DEAD :))))))))))))))))”

Undertaker laughs, “But seriously folks, we’re here for muscular distrophy and anything you can give…”

You can hear the ringing, all over the house, of the phone, and dick cheney says “I got it guys.” He answers all the phones. Don’t worry about it.

“You haven’t cured muscular dystrophy yet?”

“We haven’t cured anything yet,” said Val Venis.

“If only we paassed that stem cell bill,” said MichaelTaker glancing at Dick Cheney. Womp Womp

They sit down at a roundtable. This is now a roundtable with Val Venis, the Undertaker (dead one), and MichaelTaker. Politics.

Connie Chung shows up to moderate. Charlie Rose is so jealous, he wanted this gig so bad.

MichaelTaker asks, “How is everyone alive after a billion years?”

Val Venis says, “Everyone does a secret sci-fi hand wave! And now we live forever!”

MichaelTaker: “Even the Bushwackers?”

“I don’t know? We can die by explosions.”

“Wrestling is a launchpad to talk about hour lives,” said the roundtable in unison….

“That was weird,” said the Undertaker (dead one).

They’re all equals at this roundtable, like the roundtable that writes this, yaaa.

Michaeltaker asks, “How do we contact Shemus?”

Val Venis: “I got it.”

Then he grabs his ax and plays the best solo of all time, and then a lightning bolt hits the roundtable and Shemus appears, mohawk and all. Shemus makes her guitar sound like a motorcycle, then she puts it down.

“Now that we have that nonsense out of the way,” she says, “Michaeltaker, we gotta go back, back to the future…”